After an argument, my husband withholds affection and sex

Q. Every time my husband and I have an argument, or he doesn’t like what I’ve said or done, he withholds affection and sex.

I feel I am being punished, sometimes even for the smallest misdemeanour. I’ve tried talking about it, but he just brushes it off, saying he is tired or stressed. I don’t believe him.

A. Your sex life is a barometer of your relationship. When things are good between you, sex happens; when they are not, it’s a sexual Siberia.

There will always be good times and bad times. But a relationship can be derailed when rows are not resolved. Then, the games start. Feelings are bartered, and love and intimacy are threatened. Avoidance and silence are great weapons.

What needs to happen to change your relationship? If it is a power battle then one or other wants control. In your case, there are no threats or screaming, just withdrawal. This is a critical time and you will need to move from your comfort zone. What nerve is being hit in the rows, not only for him, but also for you? You can be a victim of his behaviour, but it’s much more productive to look at yourself and try and see how you impact on the situation. This is not about self-blame, but confronting one’s own behaviour. But, let’s be clear, I am not talking about giving in and accepting his behaviour.

I wonder how things, finally, get resolved between you? Sometimes, after avoidance, with time, couples start slowly moving towards each other, because the distance has become too much. But issues get ignored and the same pattern starts again, when the closeness becomes too much for one partner and the cycle continues. This is not because of stress, but that the differences cause tension. If you are feeling isolated, it can be difficult to get close again.

Individuals form a couple relationship and intimacy and closeness are an essential bond.

In the beginning, this is great, but then differences appear and this is a normal in the arc of a relationship. Couples who work well together can tolerate these differences and manage the closeness, as well as the distance.

Now, back to your husband’s behaviour. It is not acceptable, and it’s understandable you feel frustrated and resentful. Find a time when things are calm, and let him know the impact his withdrawal of affection and sex has on you. Try not to blame, and concentrate on letting him know how you feel when he behaves in this way. Above all, don’t let him try to blame you.

It is he who reacts to the rows in this way. Was this a way he learned, as a child, to cope? However, we are all able to change our behaviour, if we want.

This is negative behaviour and you ought to set yourself clear rules about what you will, and won’t, accept. Stay focused and be positive in getting on with your life. If he hears nothing you say, find a relationship therapist to help you. Life doesn’t have to be like this.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Mind and Body Works. Visit www.mindandbodyworks.com

* Please send your questions to: [e-mail]