Boyfriend’s back injury has curtailed our sex life. I miss it

Q. My partner of five years had an accident at work last year and damaged his back.

He is making a slow recovery, but the injury has put a damper on our sex life. The fun and spontaneity have gone. We are afraid every sudden movement could hurt his back. I don’t want to be selfish, but I miss this key part of our relationship. We are both in our early 30s and plan to get married at the end of the year.

A. It is good that your partner is making a recovery. And his injury does not end the sexual side of his life — certainly not yours.

After he was injured, all focus was on the medical and getting him better and back on his feet. The emphasis continues to be on the healing of the body, with little thought about the psychological or indeed sexual implications.

You are not selfish, but grieving the temporary loss of a good sex life.

He must have his own self-dialogue about how he can function sexually. I think a starting point is for the two of you to look at his lifestyle, and sexual value system, before his accident. Then, talk about how you feel as this has a major emotional impact on you, too.

I am sure there has been a change in the communication. When somebody is ill, and in pain, they often don’t work as hard to be a good partner and he may even have turned in on himself. This is normal and he could have difficulty expressing his emotions. Many people with an illness feel ashamed in talking about something they are scared of and how they will adjust. At the time, there was loss of sexual contact. Because of the nature of the accident, he may be more reliant on you. Also, his view of himself, in terms of body image and being attractive to you, may be of concern to him.

With the accident, he could have been depressed and this can diminish sexual interest. This can be brief. You were going through your own emotions and also would have fears for the future.

Go back to the basics. Start with slow, sensual touch. Begin by touching him, massaging him, as he lies on his stomach, from head to toe, and then the same as he lies on his back. Then, he should find a comfortable way to do the same to you.

There is no emphasis on arousal, but this is an incredible way to be intimate. I sense you two need to get really comfortable with each other again.

There is an issue about sudden movement and this is part of the fear I mentioned. How does he manage this in other aspects of his life? What are the doctors saying about his recovery? Can he do harm or is it the pain?

Then, if you can move onto sexual pleasuring, but without the focus being on intercourse, and help each other to come to orgasm. Take it all very slowly. By doing this, you are rebuilding sexual connection and intimacy.

Have dates, doing things you like. This helps connection and opens up feelings for sexual encounters.

This may be challenging, and working with a psychosexual therapist may help you through this difficult part of your journey as a couple.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist, Please send your questions to: [e-mail]