He just rolls over and falls asleep after we have had sex

Q. I am in relationship with a separated man for a year. We are getting on well and have lots in common, but the sex has become routine — once he reaches a climax, he rolls over and falls asleep. I find it difficult to imagine a long-term relationship with him, when our sex life is so flat. We are both in our late 30s.

A. It’s always important to question your relationship, particularly in the early stages. Many people in long-term relationships report that they find sex less exciting and that it is all very predictable, but you both are together for just a short time.

In the beginning of a relationship, sex and intercourse are more frequent, but, with time, this frequency often declines. You have reached a challenging time in your relationship. If sex was out of the equation, would you have any doubts about being with him into a long future?

You may have things in common, which is important, but it is the intimacy that is worrying for you.

In our modern times, if a couple share domestic duties there is a better chance that sexual intimacy will be better. Good communication and trust are vital. Right now, sexuality is a core issue for you. There is no point in keeping your concerns to yourself or assuming that he understands what is happening for you.

You have to talk to him. He may be unaware you are finding the sex unfulfilling. He will experience sex differently to how you do. Pick a quite moment and gently explore with him what you like and then find out what he likes.

In the beginning, was there fun or was sex tentative? If there was sexual passion, how long did it last? By this, I mean when did the boredom creep in?

His falling asleep immediately is infuriating for you. The bonding and the closeness is missing, this is often the point where a couple will often deepen their connection to each other.

You must ask yourself what you want, at this stage. Men and women really enjoy holding each other and cuddling, and being together after intercourse. I wonder, after orgasm, does his penis go down quickly and slip out and then he is ready for sleep. At this point, you may have expectations of further orgasm and he may be fearful of this. All of this should be discussed. But, approach it calmly and keep away from blame. I don’t know what pressure he might be feeling. If there is pressure, he will find a way to avoid it.

If sex has become routine and there is no place to introduce new ideas, then this, too, must be looked at.

Sex doesn’t begin just when we hop into bed. You have to be connecting with your partner by keeping affection in the relationship, by hugging and kissing.

Look at each other and, most importantly, acknowledge each other. Do something nice, surprise him, and send an interesting text. You know what works for you. Talk to each other about erotic scenarios.

You are right to question, at this point. If you two find it difficult to talk, it could help to talk to a sex therapist.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist. Please send your letters to [e-mail]