How to develop your child's self esteem

To develop children’s self-esteem, parents need to be good role models.

The way to pass on inner confidence is to have it yourself, says Ruth McDonagh, project worker in family support with Barnardos. “If you spill milk, rather than saying ‘I’m so stupid, look what I did,’ say ‘I spilled milk, I need to get a cloth and clean it up’.”

Mothers need to be good role models for girls.

“If mummy’s getting dressed and something doesn’t fit, she should avoid saying ‘I’m too fat, I look awful in this’. Instead, say: ‘oh, this top matches my eyes’.”

Acknowledging, owning, and naming your feelings is another way of modelling self-esteem, says McDonagh. If you’re with your child in the car and another driver cuts in front of you, say ‘I’m really cross — that driver just cut in front of me’. And if your child’s angry because little Jimmy took his toy, acknowledge the negative feelings. Say: ‘I know you’re angry, but we don’t hit or hurt’.

“When you name a feeling for children, it tames it. Naming feelings helps them feel more in control, more contained,” says McDonagh, who says the deep connection between child and parent is core to children’s self-esteem. “When they’re six months old, and you’re laughing and playing peek-a-boo with them, that’s the essence of forming a good bond with a child.”

Language is important in building kids’ self-esteem — give praise that has meaning: ‘You have a wonderful smile’; ‘You’re a really good friend’, ‘Oh, look. You came downstairs all dressed all by yourself’.

Alongside language is the non-verbal gesture. Reinforce praise with a high-five, thumbs-up, wink, ruffling your child’s hair.

“Create your own little parental code,” says McDonagh. “This says to a child, ‘I’m seen, I’m heard’. Once I’m seen and heard, I’m loved.”

Take account, too, of tone of voice. “Research shows, in times of crisis, children look first at facial expression, then at tone of voice and then at actual words spoken,” says McDonagh, who recommends ‘soft voice, soft tone’.

When we are pulled in all directions by work, household chores and the up-and-down realities of life, we don’t attain parental perfection all, or even most, of the time. “Just start afresh every day. Pick one thing a month you could be better at and practise until you’re happy you’re doing it,” says McDonagh.