Is my husband menopausal? He has stopped initiating sex...

Q.I think my husband, who is 56, is going through the male menopause. He seems to be anxious most of the time and sensitive to the slightest criticism. He has also stopped initiating sex and seems more interested in getting a good night’s sleep. What can I do? I am post-menopausal myself.

A.It can be difficult to get the balance right in a sexual relationship. You are over the -menopause and want to continue having sex, but your husband is not interested.

It’s important to acknowledge that sex is something you still enjoy. I imagine that, over the years, you had an active sex life that was a part of building your intimacy. Sexually, your body is probably not responding in the way it did when you were much younger. But physical intimacy is rewarding at any age and is important for maintaining a good, loving relationship.

There is no clear equivalent in men to menopause in women. Men’s fertility doesn’t end in the same way as a woman’s. Also, there isn’t a sudden change in the level of male hormones. This happens in a much slower way with men.

I think the anxiety you refer to is the most important element. I wonder why, at this stage of his life, he is anxious and why it is affecting his libido. Most men, as they become older, will lose an erection at some stage. This is normal, but can seem like the end of the world. Some men don’t know that this can happen. When they do, some are happy to try to be intimate with their partner, without it always having to end in intercourse. “Concern over declining performance can be considerable,” says Dr John Bancroft of the Kinsey Institute.

Since intercourse demands an erection, there is often pressure to on the man to perform. If he doesn’t get an erection or can’t maintain it, he feels less of a man. When this happens, some men avoid sex. Sexual ageing does not mean the end of sexual intimacy. Our sexual needs, and our sexual functioning, don’t stop as we get older.

Middle-aged and older people can, and do, have sexual lives. Also, we live in a society that values the body beautiful, with the media often pushing the belief that only the young have great sex. This is a myth.

Sexual issues may not be the cause of his anxiety. His work life may be changing, and retirement might be looming. Many people define themselves by their work and worry that, without it, they won’t be fulfilled.

If you have children both of you could be looking at a different life as they leave home. Sadly, at the moment, many have to emigrate.

Is your husband depressed? It might be a good idea to visit his GP and talk about what is happening. Also, let your husband hear your concerns. The quality of your communication, over the years, will help here. Tell him that you would like to have the intimacy and closeness again.

Try and find out why he is anxious. What are his fears? Assure him you love him. Re-introduce romance and do things together. Connection is vital if you want to get back to a fulfilling sex life.

Love-making can become less frantic, with a greater emphasis on intimacy. It is worth striving for.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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