Think of the cost to your marriage before giving in to this man

Q. I’ve been happily married to a reliable man for 15 years.

About a year ago while on a business trip I met a funny and smart man who is also married. We got on really well, talked for hours, and have kept in contact since by the occasional email. He recently told me he is separating from his wife and would like to meet me again. I am tempted to say yes but I am afraid it might lead to an affair. I have two teenage children.

A. It can be hard to resist the visceral pull of a sexless affair. You have kept the communication channels open by email. Through this contact you are maintaining an interest.

At the beginning, it was exciting. You emotionally connected. You were flattered. When the trip was over you departed and that might have been it. Once you were back home, life continued as normal — at work and with your family. But thoughts about this ‘funny and smart man’ lingered, fuelled by the occasional email. It didn’t end with the business trip.

For a moment, try to forget about meeting this man. Look at your main relationship. Are you bored? As life moves on things can become stale. When you met, the relationship was exciting and developed to a deeper level. You married and had two children.

Do you get on with your husband? Over the years it is very important to keep the connection between you alive.

Couples work better if they find space for themselves in the midst of rearing children, working and probably having separate interests.

Sometimes emotional intimacy is lost, followed by diminished physical and sexual intimacy. You could be taking each other for granted. If you barely talk to one another then there will hardly be passionate sex later.! If sex has gone off the boil it could lead to resentment.

When you started out in marriage you made a commitment to each other. The deal is to be faithful. Rightly or wrongly it is taken as a given.

Relationship expert John Gottman says ‘turning towards (your partner) is the basis of emotional connection, romance, passion and a good sex life’.

What if your partner discovered your emails? He would feel betrayed. The fact you turned to somebody else is the problem.

You could be looking for what is missing in your marriage. I don’t know what that is and maybe you are not sure either. What is clear is that this other man seems very exciting. Perhaps you are thinking that to be with him, albeit secretly, would add zest to your life.

I urge you to reflect on the cost to your relationship. Affairs when they are discovered, and most are, cause havoc and chaos. There will be anger, resentment and the worst part is the betrayal. And sex will be difficult as it points to the hurt and pain.

Think about what you might be looking for outside your marriage. Is it a fantasy? In some way, are you trying to get at your husband? There is a lot at stake.

If you start an affair and it is discovered it will be very difficult to get trust back in the relationship. Look at what you have and see what could improve.

Maybe bringing excitement and connection back to the marriage would be a better option. Having an affair will lead to pain and hurt. Think about yourself and your husband. Don’t rush into an affair.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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