I don’t want to be sexual until I connect with Mr Right

I am 38, female and fed up with the singles scene. Most of the men I meet have little or no interest in building a relationship but want no-strings sex. I am not a prude but always establish a connection before having sex. I would like to meet a soul mate and have a family, but I feel time is running out. What do you suggest?

>> The singles scene can be difficult to navigate. Drinking in bars and being chatted up by people who often have a lot of alcohol on board is far from an ideal environment to meet a life partner. Add to this the assumption that there will be sex at the end of the night and you no doubt would feel disconnected.

This casual approach to sex is not for you. The choices you make are based on your personal values and desires and it is important to stay true to these. From a health viewpoint, it also pays to play the long game — men and women with multiple sexual partners are exposed to STDs.

You are looking for loving sex and want to bond and connect with a partner. You’ve decided you don’t want to be sexual until you have met Mr Right and develop an intimacy with him. Only you can decide when it is right for you to be intimate with a man.

You don’t say, but I imagine you’ve spent time on career development. You have a life of your own and hopefully are financially independent.

At this stage it is vital for you to continue to live life to the full. Keep up your interests and even try to develop more. Everyone is different, but the more interests you have the more interesting person you will be. Also, don’t forget the importance of friends. Doing things with like-minded friends is a terrific way to build self-esteem.

You may enjoy a sporting activity and even meeting friends for a chat can be such fun. Visiting places, going on holidays, clubs, whatever you enjoy, is always worthwhile. Socialising often leads to meeting somebody but not in an artificial setting.

Shared interests can lead to getting to know somebody without any pressure.

You are concerned that time is running out. Maybe it is, but if you become obsessed about meeting a partner you will give out the wrong signals and could end up with the wrong person. Just enjoy your life right now. Being at ease with yourself and having self-belief makes life so much easier.

If you are living your life waiting for Mr Right to pop up and buying into the idea that love is out there waiting to find you, then you will feel empty. Better to affirm and be what you are, loving and joyful. If you do meet the ideal man it will take time and patience for it to become a healthy relationship.

Some try internet dating. I have met a few people who have connected with the right person online and are in happy relationships as a result. Like any other way of meeting the opposite sex, it too has its risks as well as successes. However, it is worth considering.

nMarie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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