My partner wants to spice up our sex life with kinky costumes

Q. My partner of two years has started watching porn and wants to spice up our sex life with dress-up games, such as nurses and doctors. I’m squirming at the thought. I enjoy sex, but prefer to play it straight. How to I deal with it?

A. Porn is sex that has little to do with reality. It portrays an image of the body-beautiful, featuring men and women who are young, toned and frequently airbrushed. Often the sexual intercourse goes on for a long time and can be quite aggressive.

For many people, porn is a means to instant gratification on their own. It is not about the love and intimacy that are the marks of a committed relationship. The pornography viewer’s relationship is with the images on the screen. Unfortunately, this is where many people learn about sex. And if they habitually feed on pornography, it’s a diet that can be harmful.

Having said this, I don’t know what, or how much, porn your partner is viewing. Maybe, he feels that sex in your relationship has become mundane and he just wants to introduce an element of fun and has come up with a few ideas.

In the beginning of a relationship, sex is usually good because of its newness, because of romance and the desire to please a new love. You say you enjoy sex, but do the two of you talk about what you like or is it always the same?

Couples can have sex, which is good for them, but then there may be conflict in the relationship, or stress from work, or anxiety about money. Life, for many, is difficult in the recession. So, you need to think about how to introduce eroticism into your relationship.

Arousal and orgasm are good, but desire and emotional satisfaction are what is important in a sexual relationship. Anticipation, playfulness and experimentation all enhance sexuality, but, most important, is an awareness of feelings and a willingness to explore.

You mention dress-up games that have no appeal. If there is any element of coercion, the games won’t work. Experimentation should not be distasteful to the other. It is not a performance and there should be no demands. The emphasis is about improving sex with your intimate partner.

You have to talk about your expectations and these need to be realistic. There will be differences in what you find erotic.

I am sure at some point you got hooked into a television programme or a film that you liked. You anticipated it and, sometimes, it was good and other times it was not. Creative sex is the same. It can be special or it may not be. There are no guarantees. It is the anticipation that helps the desire. Then, being aware of sexual feelings is important and not the technique.

Sexual experimentation can use something external for a turn-on. These can be anything from body oils, feathers, to a vibrator, an erotic DVD or candles. Use your imagination and you will find loads that won’t be distasteful.

Communicate about what you feel and want, and ask what he feels and wants. Just allow the encounters to flow. Forget about performance. Just enjoy each other and be open to being playful. Liven up your sexual relationship and eroticism can help you.

* Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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