Letting them know gently

Your children may worry if you’re going to hospital, writes Helen O’Callaghan.

CHILDREN need parents to be a good information source.

This holds true even when you’ve got to tell them the news that you’re going to hospital.

“A parent has to establish that they’re a reliable information source, that the child can rely on what you say to be true,” says counselling psychologist Aisling Curtin, director of ACT Now Ireland.

This organisation runs workshops to help parents connect with their children “in the moment rather than acting out of a place of anxiety and pressure”.

Keeping news of a parent’s impending hospital visit secret from kids is risky, says Curtin.

“The child may hear it another way, or overhear you talking about it. When children hear half a story, they over-dramatise it, making it much worse than it is. You also risk eroding your child’s trust in you.”

Better instead to give a small amount of accurate information, says Curtin. “Parents often say what they think is best in the moment but what’s best in the moment is often worst in the long-term.”

Having told your child, invite questions. “If you don’t know the answer to a question or don’t know how to phrase it at that point, say ‘That’s a brilliant question. I didn’t even think of that. I’ll ask my doctor and come back to you’. And do go back with the answer.”

Telling your child such news isn’t a one-off event. “You need to check in again and ask the child if they have any more questions. Look for hidden meanings in what they ask.

‘Will you be long in the hospital? Will you be going back many times’ may mean ‘Are you going to be safe?’”

If children react by acting out or regressing to younger-type behaviour, strike a balance between empathy and sticking to usual boundaries. “Keep to regular routines. When a parent goes to hospital, lots of things change. Keep as much as possible similar.”

Some children may try to be extra good — doing more at home or school. “This may be a coping strategy — they may not be getting a chance to voice their concerns.”

It’s also vital to let your child know that nothing they did or said caused your illness.

KEEP TALKING

¦ Let them know who’ll be looking after them and on which day while you’re in hospital.

¦ Say ‘you’ll be coming to visit me’. Tell them visiting times.

¦ Acknowledge extra chores the child does while a parent’s in hospital.

¦ If parent’s illness is chronic/long-term, look at providing counselling for children.