Good sex is important but only part of a healthy relationship

Sex is a two-way encounter where the needs of both parties are embraced. Communication is key when it comes to dealing with difficulties.

¦ Three months ago I started going out with a man who is great fun to be with but sexually we don’t seem to be matched. He reaches orgasm quickly and then falls asleep immediately afterwards.

I’ve hinted that I enjoy kissing and touching but he’s hasn’t responded. Should I cut my losses and move on? I am 28 years old.

>> It is very simple: this man gets excited too quickly. Premature ejaculation (PE) is ejaculation that happens sooner than the man and woman wish it to happen. Once a man reaches a certain point he is unable to stop the orgasm. It is a reflex that he can’t voluntarily control.

According to the research, about one third of men report that they reach orgasm too fast. This usually becomes a problem when a man has a partner and wants love making to last so that both are fulfilled.

You are not receiving the sexual pleasure you would like. That he falls asleep immediately after sex must leave you feeling even more frustrated.

The first important thing for you to think about is that sex is not a performance. At its essence, it’s about sharing pleasure. To build intimacy the best place to start is by letting your partner know that you want to talk about sex in the relationship. Approach the subject in a gentle way without criticism. Hints are not enough.

I imagine he is probably aware himself but may be choosing to ignore it. He could be embarrassed, anxious or just is not thinking about how the sexual intimacy is for you.

You have to express your feelings about what you like as well as discovering what he likes. It is helpful for all couples to talk to each other about sex, pleasure and what each likes to do and what works for both.

You can’t expect him to intuitively know what you like and what gives you satisfaction. Both of you are in a better place sexually when you can learn from each other’s preferences.

It is possible to work on this. He needs to learn the point when he knows he will come. He has to learn to relax and be able to pace his arousal. This is the kind of work he could do with a sex therapist.

However, your relationship with him is fairly new and you may not be ready to bring it to a deeper level. If you continue without addressing the issue with him you will become resentful and may eventually finish the relationship.

PE interferes with the positive pleasure of sex but skills to change this can be learned.

If the difficulty, as you see it, is to be solved, you will both have to cooperate and be really open. Remember, good sex is only part of a healthy relationship.

¦ Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

¦ Please send your questions to: [e-mail]