I want to be dad

In an upcoming TV documentary Darren Kennedy, who is gay, talks about the obstacles preventing him becoming a father, Arlene Harris reports.

LIKE most young men, throughout his 20s Darren Kennedy focused his attention on his career, his future and his social life. Now 31, the Dublin man, who has been in a relationship for the past ten years, would like to have children.

But unlike most of his contemporaries, becoming a father is not going to be an easy feat.

The TV presenter and fashion writer is gay, and while both he and his partner, Aidan Harney, 38, who is a playwright, are in a long-term relationship and are committed to providing a stable environment for a child, there are a lot of obstacles which will make their dream of having a family difficult to fulfil.

Next Tuesday, Darren will tell his story during an hour-long documentary entitled Gay Daddy on RTE Two. He is optimistic about Irish society which he believes has become much more open to the idea of same-sex parents’ — but feels the legal system is insurmountable.

“Aidan and I have been together for ten years and although having children was the last thing I wanted when I was 21, he has always been what he calls ‘manternal’,” laughs Darren. “I always knew I wanted children too, but it wasn’t until I reached maturity that I began thinking about how to make it happen. It’s not going to be easy as there are so many legalities in the way that it is proving very difficult.

“The attitude of the Irish people to gay and lesbian couples has changed dramatically, but the legal system hasn’t changed pace with society. Someone needs to take the bull by the horns and accept that Ireland has modernised and the law needs to be adapted accordingly.

“I spend a lot of time working in Britain and it is much more progressive over there. Although geographically there is only the small expanse of sea between us, with regard to legal rights, there is an ocean between us.”

Brian Merriman of the Equality Authority says although legally either Darren or Aidan could adopt a child, only one of them will be a parent in the eyes of the law. “There is no law saying that single men cannot adopt children, but their partner will have no rights to the child whatsoever. And this could lead to all sorts of problems in the future.”

The Dublin couple discovered this when they decided they would like to become parents and soon realised there were a lot of obstacles in their way.

“We were told there were four avenues open to us and these were adoption, surrogacy, fostering and coparenting,” says Darren. “But when we looked into the possibilities, the reality was a lot less optimistic.

“Adoption is a no-go area because in Ireland the law is very black and white. You are allowed to adopt if you are either a married couple or a single person. Since Civil Partnership is not seen in the same light as marriage, gay and lesbian couples are not included. And if one of us applied to adopt a child as a single person and were lucky enough to be accepted, it would mean our partner would have no legal rights as a parent.

“Considering the constitution is there to protect the children of our society, this sort of legality actually makes them more vulnerable.

“The next option is surrogacy which is not possible in Ireland but if we were to go to a clinic in Britain and then our child was born here, it would not be recognised by the State — so that leaves us in legal limbo.

“Fostering is a possibility as gay couples are welcome to apply, but it is a much more difficult option than adoption as many cases are short term.

“Lastly, there is coparenting which involves finding someone of the opposite gender who will agree to have a child with you.

“Obviously this can be an emotional minefield as you have to agree to spending a limited time with your child and also from the man’s perspective, I’m sure the dad would have different rights to the mother.

“So looking at the choices, there is no easy solution and we have an awful lot to consider.”

Darren hopes that by delving publicly into the topic he will encourage a debate which will eventually lead to equality for everyone who wants to bring a child into the world.

“I had a really happy childhood and when I was growing up, always assumed that I would have children of my own one day,” says Darren.

“My brother Jeff has two sons, Tristan (two) and Aidan (six months) and a lot of my friends are now parents so I guess when I turned 30 I began to think about settling down a bit more. “But, aside from all of that, I also want to pass on some of the good fortune that I have had throughout my life.

“This is a topic which needs to be discussed and although I don’t know how we will do it, I definitely see myself with children in the future — everything is so complicated and so much needs to change, but hopefully we will have a happy ending.”

But this might be about to change. According to a spokesperson for the Department of Justice: “The Law Reform Commission recommends that legislative provisions be introduced to facilitate the extension of guardianship (parental responsibility) to civil partners and step-parents either by agreement with the other parties who have parental responsibility for the child or by application to court.

“The Commission's recommendations are under consideration in the Department with a view to preparing legislative proposals.”