When it pays to hold tough

Teaching children to postpone instant gratification benefits them says Helen O’Callaghan.

YOU know the line — “but everyone has one” — as your child is pleading for a mobile phone, TV in their bedroom, an iPod.

It’s not something you want to give at this stage, but neither do you want him to feel ‘different’. What do you do?

Your child needs to learn from this situation, says family mediator Fiona McAuslan.

“Do you want to give them instant gratification by letting them have the thing “everyone else has”, or is this an opportunity to help your child develop emotionally with your support.

The golden rule for parents is: you’re there to support your child through difficulties, which will absolutely help when they’re adults and you’re not there.”

In terms of the must haves that appear on your child’s want list, McAuslan advises not waiting until the hot moment.

“Early on, establish a clear, explicit rule — ‘you’re not getting a mobile phone ‘til you’re 10’ — so you’re not trying to negotiate a week before their birthday or before Christmas.

Give reasons: they’re expensive, it’s not good for children to use them, there are other things we feel are more appropriate for your age. Teach them that ‘no’ is ok and there are reasons why ‘no’ is appropriate.”

McAuslan recommends teaching your child that size and cost don’t correlate.

“Say ‘it’s amazing how little things can be so expensive’. Children have no concept of how expensive things are. From a child’s perspective, a doll’s house is a big thing, an iPod small.”

So what do you say when your eight-year-old pleads ‘but everyone has one’? Remind them of the decision you’ve made and the reasons for it. Tell your child you’re sorry they’re in a situation where they feel pressurised, that you’d like to understand what this is like for them.

“Give your child time to moan at you. If they say ‘it’s all your fault because you won’t give me a mobile phone/Wii/ bedroom TV’, say ‘I don’t accept that’. Keep calm. In this way, you help your child cope with pressure rather than giving into it.”

If your child’s communicating that the phone/laptop is essential for their popularity, teach them they’re worth a lot more than a particular image of themselves.

Dissipate peer pressure by ensuring they have more than one social circle.

HOW TO COPE

¦ Don’t decide immediately — say, ‘I need to think about that’.

¦ Check with other parents whether ‘everybody’ really has the desired object.

¦ Role play: ask ‘what does Jenny say that upsets you? What can you say to Jenny?’

¦ When saying ‘no’ to one thing, substitute with something your child will really enjoy.