The more you relax, the better chance you will have an orgasm

You may be afraid to let go because you fear what your face might look like or fear crying out.

¦ I am married ten years and never had an orgasm. It doesn’t really bother me as I love my husband dearly. I don’t want to put our sex life under the microscope as it would probably make me even more self-conscious.

But there are times when I wonder if I am missing out on a richer sex life. What do you think?

>> What is causing you to think about orgasms at this point in your relationship? Has something in the media triggered this?

The film when Harry Met Sally sent the message that female orgasm is a full-blown explosion. Then there are endless articles about orgasm and the best way to achieve this. All which give the impression that an orgasm is the end goal of sex.

You say you don’t want to put your sex life under a microscope as it would make you more self-conscious. This is interesting. When people are sexual they are vulnerable in the encounter by opening themselves to another.

Perhaps you feel the need to control. You may be afraid to let go because you fear what your face might look like or worry about crying out.

Are you comfortable being naked? Over the years you may have received negative messages with regard to women enjoying sex.

Men and women are very different when it comes to sex. When a man reaches a certain point he will have an orgasm no matter what comes into his head. There is no such point for women.

Let’s say men are like gas cookers and women more like a slow electric plate.

With regards to reaching an orgasm you need to reflect on whether this is a pleasure you want for yourself, or a perceived pressure from your husband.

Many men think it is their job to ‘give’ his partner an orgasm. This is not possible — it is how you are feeling and depends on how intensely aroused you are. But many women do not share how they like to be touched. This is where communication is important. Also, it is helpful if you know your body responses and what is pleasurable for you.

Even if you are aroused but are observing yourself and waiting for something to happen, then this level of self-consciousness could shut down your sexual response. You become a spectator rather than being truly involved in the love making.

You also may have become anxious. Some women when sexual feelings become intense start to hold back.

Now let’s look at your relationship. You love your husband and from what you say I presume your love making is pleasurable and satisfying for you. To move beyond this it helps to create a sensual mood. The most important is to relax and try and stay in the moment.

Pleasure each other, enjoy what is happening, take your time and try clitoral stimulation and all around that area, but not exclusively so. Foreplay is about connecting on many levels, including emotionally and physically.

What matters is that both are involved. Keep a sense of fun and playfulness. The more you relax and lose yourself in the sensations the more chance of orgasm. You can’t will it. Continue to enjoy the intimacy with your husband.

¦ Marie Daly is a psychosexual therapist with Relationships Ireland; visit www.relationshipsirleland.com.

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