Back-to-school bumps

With holidays over, how do you cope with the battles about TV, bed-time and dating, asks Denise Deegan

“It is a bad position if a parent is afraid to parent for fear of explosions. Parents need to assert their authority,” says parenting expert John Sharry,

AS THE new school term approached, I worried. Would my son get up in the morning? He was rising at midday, going to bed at midnight, at the earliest.

I tried to get him into a pattern of early to bed, early to rise. The results were limited. OK, dismal. I believed a child was self-motivated or not and that there was little a parent could do. From John Sharry, director of the Parent Plus programme, I learned motivation can be created.

“Parents can, and do, have a significant impact on their children’s level of motivation. Negotiating a good routine, and structure, that is agreed and set up in the household is very beneficial — a good bedtime, a relaxing routine in the morning and another routine when they get in from school,” Mr Sharry says.

“It makes a big difference to get up in plenty of time, have a good breakfast, preferably together. The first meal of the day should be enjoyable, not a rush,” he says. This won’t be possible without sufficient sleep.

For younger children, there should be rules and consequences: If they don’t go to bed on time, less pocket money. For teens, it’s about negotiation and influence, explaining the impact of lack of sleep on concentration at school and on ability.

A good routine when children return from school is a chat and snack, followed by homework, then a reward, for example, watching TV, or time with friends.

One of the best ways to motivate your children, says Mr Sharry, is to show an interest in them. “Take an interest in the work they are doing in school. Listen to the hassles they have and celebrate their successes with them. Studies have shown that interest is very motivational. Check and review homework in an interested way. Be encouraging. Say: ‘That’s great, what you did there.’ If they are stuck on something, help them problem solve without doing their work for them.”

As parents, we need to check ourselves. “Some parents,” Mr Sharry says, “have an over-expectation of their children and need to recalibrate. Some children spend too much time studying. We want them to have a positive experience of school. Unfortunately, school takes quite a narrow focus and we need to take a holistic view.”

Going back to school leads to inevitable battles — about bedtime, homework, computers. Jackie O’Callaghan, PRO for the National Parents Council, says: “You are their parent not their friend. You must have ground rules. In a work environment, we have ground rules. It’s a part of life and children need to get used to it. Communication is key, saying things like ‘You’re back at school and it’s straight back into it. This is the way we want it to work. You do your homework and you can have an hour on the computer’.”

If they won’t come off the computer?

“You turn it off,” she says.

And if there are explosions? Mr Sharry says: “It is a bad position if a parent is afraid to parent for fear of explosions. Parents need to assert their authority. The most important rule is politeness and respect. Take a pause from battles. Step back. Explain that you will not be spoken to like that. And revert to the rules that you have negotiated and agreed.”

Ms O’Callaghan says you should be alerted by a sudden change in temperament as a potential sign of an underlying problem. “The personality of a child doesn’t change. If they become explosive, there is probably something to it. It could be something small to you, but something very big to them. Everything moves so fast in their world. With Google, they have information in seconds. They expect immediate solutions. In some ways, this makes it harder to cope. You need to know your own child, so you can tell if something is bothering them. Communication is the key. Children have to feel that, no matter what’s bothering them, there will always be an open door. It could be something as simple as, ‘I don’t get the maths’. A quiet phone call to the school could easily solve that, preventing the situation getting to an explosive stage,” she says.

What about older teens, who ignore you?

Ms O’Callaghan says: ‘Sometimes, you have to leave them to make mistakes, so they discover the hard way. You have to throw them a bit of slack and see what happens. If they go to bed late three nights in a row, they end up shattered. They have to learn their limitations in a gradual way. Otherwise, what are you going to do when they get to college?’

“It all comes back to mutual respect, communication and ground rules,” Ms O’Callaghan says. I asked what her rule was regarding phone texting. “I would say to leave the phone on the counter in the kitchen while they are doing their homework. If a text comes in, they can deal with it when they’re finished.”

I asked Mr Sharry what was an acceptable amount of time for children to be on the computer during week nights. “It is up to each family to negotiate. But I wouldn’t focus on restricting the computer. I’d make leisure time dependent on doing homework. I’d make it a privilege earned by good behaviour,” he says.

Ms O’Callaghan says encourage your child to have other interests. “It doesn’t have to be sport. It could be art, speech and drama. Of course, the more new friends they have, the more they want to be on Facebook. If the computer is in a central room, it’s easier to monitor. If it’s in a bedroom, you have to keep sticking your head in the door. You have to be a parent.”

Any rules on boyfriends and girlfriends?

Mr Sharry says: “It depends on the age and parent culture. Some would say that it’s better for young teens to be friends. Some try to extend the age. During the week, the focus should be on work. Socialising is for the weekend.”

Ms O’Callaghan says: “It is an intense time. They think, ‘this is it.’ It has to be restricted to, say, Saturday afternoon, as long as it’s age-appropriate. At sixteen or seventeen, seeing them in town on Saturday is plenty. When they’re older, it’s harder to control. But you have to lay down the ground rules.”

Regardless of back-to-school, most children go through a few bumpy years. Mr Sharry’s advice: hang in there and stick to the rules.

* For a list of parenting courses and seminars run by John Sharry, in Cork, Galway and Dublin, check outwww.solutiontalk.ie/events. Parents with questions about school and school-related issues can call the National Parents Council Post Primary on 01-8302740

* Author Denise Deegan’s third teenage novel, And Actually... is just published by Hachette Ireland.