Friends in need and friends in deed

GIRLFRIENDS come in all shapes and sizes. The ones from way back, who’ve stuck with you when your taste in men was dire and your fashion sense was the pits.

The ones you don’t see for a year, and they spring back into your life and get what’s going on for you. The ones who’ll pitch you into side-splitting laughter; the ones who’ll hold your hand and say nothing when you just want to cry it all out.

Friendship is about connecting and sharing, says Lisa O’Hara, relationships counsellor with Relationships Ireland. “Women friends can provide a really important resource when emotional needs aren’t being met in an intimate relationship. Women listen, give advice, share your experience - almost as if they’re going through it themselves.

“They can be your biggest ally, your biggest support, the ones who’ll challenge you when you’re not behaving well, they watch out for you, they comfort you.”

Let’s get real here. Uber-perfect - or even perfect - your friends are not. But who needs perfection? When friends have inconvenient character traits, recognise it as part of the friendship and avoid the irritating scenario. Let’s say your friend can’t keep a secret. Well, don’t tell her any. But doesn’t she love running in the park? And so do you? So put on your kit and get running together.

Treasure all the qualities that have made you friends. “Celebrate what’s great about your friends,” says O’Hara. If a ‘friend’ is complaining too much that “you don’t measure up to the mark”, she doesn’t understand friendship. “The differences and commonalities you share can deepen you as a person. You learn from each other. And it’s also true that some friendships don’t last a lifetime. They serve a purpose and then their purpose is done.”

Each of your friends has the gorgeous and the tough bits. So how do you deal with the tricky areas and love them just the same?

She’s high-maintenance

The lowdown: The friend who’s always in a crisis is addicted to drama, says consultant psychologist and author of 21 Days To A New You, Dr Cecilia d’Felice. If you like drama, your friend’s rollercoaster of highs and lows can be exciting. But if you don’t, the friendship can provoke anxiety, says d’Felice.

How to handle: If you love drama, roll with it, says d’Felice. “But understand that your friend’s in constant crisis because there’s a real problem with how she relates to herself, and it’s likely she has self-esteem issues.”

If you don’t love drama, stop colluding and step back. “If your friend’s issues get you down, ask yourself why you need to be the ‘fixer’. Focus on your own life.

“Maybe your friend’s drama acts like a smokescreen for your own underlying issues. Gently let her know you’re there for her, but you can’t keep getting involved in all the hysteria and you need to spend time focusing on your own life.”

She breaks a confidence

The lowdown: Did she know it was a confidence? Or does she not value your trust? Breaking a confidence may be done out of insecurity and from a need to boost social standing: ‘I need to tell you something so that you will like me’ or ‘I am privy to these things’.

How to handle: It’s upsetting when a confidence is broken, but it doesn’t mean the end of the relationship, says d’Felice. “Gently point out how you feel about the betrayal. Use ‘I feel’ statements rather than ‘You did X’ or ‘You make me’. Then you can speak from a place of compassionate integrity.”

Let your friend know that you realise trust and control are issues for them, and that if they would like to continue in friendship with you, then you both need to talk about what the relationship feels like, and whether you can work together to develop authentic understanding between you. “If your friend cares about you, they’ll be happy to explore this. If they can’t, then they have some deep-seated problems that only they can sort out, so probably best to get some distance and let them work it out themselves.”

She jumps straight in with advice instead of listening

The lowdown: Your friend’s a fixer, someone who feels she must always come up with a solution, says d’Felice. “They mean well and it’s a common issue, because we all want to help our friends and don’t like feeling helpless if someone we care about is suffering.”

How to handle: d’Felice says let your friend know you love it that they always want to help, but that, sometimes, all you want is to let off steam and have a sounding board. “Preface a conversation with ‘I don’t need any advice here, so we don’t need to come up with a solution just yet, but I would love to talk to you about X, just so I can explore it a bit with someone I trust’.”

She tells you nothing personal but wants to know everything about you The lowdown: Maybe she thinks her life isn’t as interesting as yours. “There are times when our friends may not have as much going on as we do,” says Lisa. “Also, people have different styles of sharing. Some are naturally open and others need encouragement - they may have got the message along the way that what they have to say isn’t interesting.”

How to handle: Ask your friend: ‘What’s going on for you’? “Some people aren’t naturally forthcoming, but if you enquire that may encourage them to share.”

If your friend vicariously loves feeding off other people’s problems, you may need to say to them that you notice they’re really good at listening to your issues, but don’t say much about themselves, says d’Felice. “Your challenge will give them food for thought. They may find they have better relationships by being more equal in information-giving. Maybe they’ve learned to feed off drama because of their family dynamic. It will be helpful for them to understand that it’s a bit weird for the rest of us if they keep feeding without offering anything in return.”

She constantly lets you be the one to make contact

The lowdown: Three things could be going on, says d’Felice. She’s genuinely flighty and not tethered to more stable, conventional relationship styles. “This is the friend who’s always travelling, or working in a hospital in Africa, or who freelances so has to city-hop constantly. She genuinely has little time to invest in many relationships.” But, says d’Felice, you know the friendship’s genuine because when you do get in touch, she’s really pleased to hear from you, you have a good time and she shows she cares about you.

Or, your friend’s really shy and doesn’t feel worthy of attention, so doesn’t seek it out.

Or, it might be that your friend’s incredibly self-absorbed and wouldn’t notice if you weren’t in her life at all.

How To handle: With the busy friend, d’Felice recommends enjoying the friendship when you have it and not worrying when they’re not around.

With the shy friend, gently point out that you do the work and that it’s more than OK for them to get in touch with you, too. With the totally self-absorbed friend, back off a little. If they want your friendship, they’ll get in touch. If they don’t, you’ll know your time is better spent investing in more reciprocal friendships.

The friend you feel jealous of

The lowdown: This says more about you than it does about your friend. “The moment we realise our friend is where we aspired to be, natural feelings of jealousy can arise. It can be hard to be proud of our friends when we feel we don’t have what they have,” says O’Hara.

How to handle: Criticising or belittling your friend in a bid to bring her down a peg is not what you should do, says O’Hara. “Instead, be proud of where they are and try to achieve for yourself the great relationship or job that you envy.

Say to your friend ‘I’m envious of that, yet I’m really happy for you’. When a friend said that to me once, I really liked her honesty. I thought how authentic and how real she was.”

D’Felice agrees that owning your feelings and bringing them out in the open in an appropriate way is very liberating.

“Just saying ‘Wow, you are so amazing I can’t help sometimes feeling jealous’ [makes it] stop being an issue and [your friend] will feel hugely flattered.”

Tips for healthy relationships

Dr Cecilia d’Felice gives the following tips for developing healthy friendships:

¦ Bin expectations. Friends aren’t there to solve our problems, carry our loads or sort out our lives - they have their own challenges to deal with.

¦ Quit judging. We’re all flawed, we all make mistakes. Let go of the need to condemn your friends for their mistakes. Instead, offer under-standing.

¦ Offer the best of yourself to your friends - your generosity, gratitude, humour, energy, joy and loyal support.

¦ Be real. Don’t put on acts and don’t act out. Own your stuff - you can be emotional, and talk about how you feel, without blaming anyone else.

¦ Take responsibility - if you want friends, take responsibility for making and keeping them.