How to settle sibling rivalry

YOU want your children to be the best of pals, yet they seem to be constantly at war. What should you do? Don’t panic, says Fiona McAuslan, mediator and author of children’s book Resolving Sibling Rivalry (€4.99; visit www.fipi.ie).

“Right at the root of sibling rivalry is a natural survival struggle. It’s how we first practise fighting, which between siblings is, on the whole, a safe place to do that, to find out what it’s like.”

Rather than catastrophising sibling rowing, note what can be learned from it when it’s dealt with appropriately,” says McAuslan. “Children can learn to negotiate power struggles, find better solutions, learn to say sorry and learn to forgive and forget.” Parents, finding themselves in a sibling war zone, should first of all to do nothing at all (if nobody’s in imminent danger of physical harm). Parental approach should be twofold — teach children proper behaviour (‘it’s not ok to punch your sister’). And help them to talk about what has annoyed them enough to punch their sister.

“That second step’s the critical one that parents often miss.”

When McAuslan’s now teen children were young and having a row, she’d first of all deal with the behaviour: ‘Calm down, go to your room’. At a later stage, when she knew she had ample time, she’d sit with both and ask: ‘what happened this morning?’ “I wanted to show that you should always talk about a fight that has happened.”

Siblings become so highly attuned to the tensions caused by an unresolved row that, even when all appears quiet, a simple remark or gesture can re-ignite a major argument. Listening is the salve that calms it all. But what’s not helpful is listening with the intention of investigating or chastising the child.

“The child will only tell you what they think you want to hear. You’ll elicit an ‘it wasn’t me’ response – you won’t change anything. But if you listen simply because you want to understand why this little person is cross, they’ll talk from their feelings.

“Ask, ‘What happened? How did you feel? What do you need? What can we do about it?”