Calm parent, calm child

PARENTING is not instinctual. We learn it, says Noel Janis-Norton, founder of the London-based Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting Centre. “Increasingly, we live away from extended family, so we don’t have role models. Parents are trying to make it up as they go,” he says.

Chaotic lifestyles mean we spend less time with our children. “Guilt-ridden parents tend to shower gifts on their children or let them get away with too much,” says Janis-Norton, whose book, Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, is about “correcting this, so we can enjoy family time”. He distinguishes between ‘upset’ and ‘unhappiness’ — upset is a temporary feeling when things don’t go our way; unhappiness is permanent and results from a major thing problem. “Freud has a lot to answer for— he left parents with the impression that children are terribly fragile, that if you say ‘no’ they’ll be damaged. In fact, they’ll just be temporarily upset and will get into better habits. Parents have experience, maturity and wisdom. Kids don’t, so we have to make decisions they won’t always like. We can do that in a friendly, firm way,” he says.

Parents getting annoyed doesn’t work. “Kids just block us out. Parents say it’s hard not to get annoyed because they’re in such a rush. Yet we can choose to get up an extra 20 minutes early so there’s more time for your children to make a fuss, for you to let them do it, then give them a hug and carry on.”

Parents are stressed by children not doing what’s asked. “Parents resort to repeating and reminding, which turns into nagging and shouting. That doesn’t motivate children,” Janis-Norton says. Acknowledge when children behave well. “We often take children’s good behaviour for granted because it gives us the chance to get something done. The problem with ignoring OK behaviour is that children need our attention — they’ll soon learn to do something annoying, if that’s what gets them attention,” he says. Reflective listening’s important. “It’s painful for parents to see their child upset, so they try to minimise the feeling. That doesn’t take it away. It’s better to imagine what the child is feeling and reflect that back to them. If he slams the door, say ‘it sounds like you’re angry’. Reflective listening teaches the child the word for the feeling, so they misbehave less.”

* Calmer, Easier, Happier Parenting, by Janis-Norton, €20.40. www.calmerpainting.com