Fatherly advice

IT is safe to say that our partners do not relish the idea of getting bigger and being powerless to do anything about it, or having to ride the emotional see-saw of constant mood swings, or worse yet, having to endure a bout of morning sickness which can strike at ‘any time’ of the day, but as an expectant dad there are certain things you can do to support mum-to-be:

* First off, show an interest — try to attend scans and antenatal classes, talk to friends and family who already have children about their experiences.

*Make some sacrifices of your own — quit smoking, eat more healthily and help out more with the household chores.

*Familiarise yourself with the birth plan as your partner will look to you to convey certain instructions to the attending midwife.

* Pregnancy can be a worrying period so make some time to sit down together and talk about any problems or anxieties that you both may be having. Maintain a relationship outside of baby land (especially after your baby is born), so take a night off from all the baby talk and catch a movie or a bite to eat.

*Avoid any sort of conflict throughout the pregnancy, and as much as you would like to say it, an argument is not won with ‘ah sure it’s only your hormones talking’.

*Always ensure you pay special attention to your partner.

Bump ’n’ grind

A lot of expectant dads feel closer to their partner during pregnancy and this closeness is often expressed in a physical way. For some, sex during pregnancy can be exciting but for other men, well, it’s literally services suspended for the duration, with some men finding the physical change a turn off. If you happen to fall into this category, please be sensitive. Try to keep in physical touch with your partner by exploring other options, such as cuddling or massage. Every new dad-to-be also worries about sex and hurting the baby, but sex will not hurt the baby.

Pretty picture

The scan for the majority of expectant fathers is like wining the Lotto — you cannot really believe it’s happening until you are holding the proof in your hand. And that proof comes in the form of the first picture. The dating scan (in or around the 12-week mark) and the anomaly scan (around the 20-week mark) are considered the two most important scans that expectant dads should attend.

Tips on attending the scan:

*Check the parking situation and ensure you have sufficient change for the meter.

* If you are unable to attend appointments organise for a relative or close friend (hers not yours!) to go instead.

* Bring along some reading material in the event that you are not seen on time.

* Keep two multigrain bars in her handbag in case you both get the nibbles.

* There may be silences as the sonographer or consultant goes about their business so don’t go deciphering that this means something is wrong.

* When your partner is having her ultrasound don’t be afraid to ask questions.

* Assist your partner with her personal items — no one can see you holding a hand bag in a darkened room.

* Don’t forget the picture.

The Iceman Cometh

When a baby is born, a new dad is often overwhelmed with the realisation that this little baby boy or girl that he looks down upon is his. This great moment often sees new dads uncharacteristically shed tears of joy with partners looking on proclaiming, ‘But he never cries!’ Alternatively, there are new dads who may feel no emotion whatsoever. This is very normal.

Sad dad

Over-tiredness is a common foe of any new dad which can easily be written off as a result of sleepless nights. However, if this is accompanied by a change in eating pattern, insomnia or unexplainable irritation, paternal depression could be setting in. Other common symptoms include: loss of libido, feelings of being overwhelmed, isolation and disconnection, the use of drugs or alcohol and submerging oneself in work as a part of the withdrawal.

Historically men have been reluctant to talk about this type of depression, and statistics regarding paternal depression have only recently come to light with figures showing one in 10 new dads suffering from this condition.

Leave it out

While fathers in other EU countries benefit from a period of paternity leave, Ireland does not offer its fathers any form of statutory paternity leave, principally inhibiting re-adjustment to new family life. A practice in many other EU countries, and one which was also highlighted by our own Equality Authority, believes that a mother should have the right to assign a portion of her maternity leave to her spouse/partner.