DADDY DOES CARE

We are going through a baby boom. In 2011 there were 74,648 births registered in Ireland, a 29% increase on the births of a decade previous, in 2001. With each of those births also comes the dad conundrum — traditionally sidelined, often willingly, throughout pregnancy and birth by all and sundry, medical professionals, friends, family, even partner, new dads have often struggled to find their precise role in the grand scheme of things.

But all this is changing in 21st century Ireland, change reflected in the success of David Caren’s website, dad.ie, an invaluable forum and resource centre for new dads. The change is also reflected in the speed with which David’s book, The Irish Dad’s

Survival Guide to Pregnancy and Beyond, was snapped up by O’Brien Press.

While our fathers may have accepted, sometimes preferred the almost complete abdication of involvement in pregnancy and birth, opting for the womb of the nearest pub over any proximity to the womb playing host to their progeny, a new generation of Irishmen want things to be different. Some of them even speak in the first person plural – as in, “We’re pregnant”.

This shift in awareness has been mirrored by the medical establishment. When my first was born nearly 23 years ago, the matron in the near-Victorian

delivery room, a nun, very obviously appalled at my presence, spent the entire labour trying to evict me despite the protests of the poor distressed woman

actually having the baby and in dire need of every

little comfort possible, even if it was only me.

For my second nearly five years ago, in a lovely modern, private room, I was able to play relaxing music, provide snacks, massages and whatever else herself was up for, and then, after the birth, invited to cut the cord.

By the third, just two years ago, we went in armed with a birth plan, a set of instructions for the medical professionals detailing how we would like things to proceed. I’d wager that nun all those years ago would have responded to a birth plan with an excommunication order.

But there are also changes in how men are acknowledging and embracing their feelings around the pregnancy and birth and seeking answers to the

anxieties, fears and worries that for so long went

unspoken.

“When my wife Ellen was pregnant with Robin, our first,” says Caren, “we went along for the first scan. In the waiting room, I noticed that all the dads were playing with mobile phones or reading, sitting there in silence, not engaging. Alongside them the mums were chatting away as mums do when expecting, exchanging tips and so on.

“I made my excuse that I had to repark the car and left the room and shortly after was followed by a few of the others. We chatted about sports, cars, work and then just before we went back to the waiting room, had a brief chat about the pregnancies, when the due date was and so on.

“Then afterwards when we left, the women all said goodbye to each other but the men said nothing. I’m a shy lad anyway but I was still taken aback, it was like a secret fraternity of fathers.”

But Caren came away determined to become very involved in the pregnancy and it was also the trigger for the website.

“The way I saw it, there were two of us in this, the mammy and the daddy, and even though you can feel like you’re in the way, even with the consultant, you’re not asking questions, I wanted to be completely involved.

“I was working in a book store at the time so I went back and raided the shelves for books for men dealing with pregnancy but there was very little, and most of it was kind of laddish. So, like a lot of dads do, I hit the net. But I didn’t find much, there was loads of great mothering sites, even the stuff on dads was all written from a mum’s perspective. There was very little real focus on the dad.

“I was doing a web design course and I needed a kind of pet project so I decided to set up dad.ie and see what would happen.”

The whole thing was ready to roll two years later as they were expecting second child Astrid in 2008. It proved to be an instant hit: “I decided to do it in tandem with our own pregnancy and there was just more and more demand, it just kind of evolved along with the pregnancy and beyond.”

The issue of paternity leave is a fraught one and the lack of it in this country, Caren believes, is a cause of many of the problems new dads face, particularly Post-Natal Depression (PND). “When you see a man pushing a buggy in Ireland, you think one of two things: he’s either a stay-at-home dad or he’s unemployed. In somewhere like Sweden [at least two months of the generously paid, 16-month parental leave is reserved exclusively for fathers] you don’t even think about it, it’s just the norm — if you don’t take the paternity leave available, it is seen as a negative, you are not a proper man.

“Funnily enough, male PND and sleep deprivation were the two most popular topics on the site. When I saw that and the figures and from speaking to expectant dads, it was always an issue and the lack of paternity leave has an awful lot to do with it.

“Male PND is different to female PND. You have to treat it with kid gloves because you’re predominantly talking about a form of depression associated with the female. After all PND is hormonal, but the male version is non-hormonal — any other name and it would be accepted. The term paternal depression is now being used which makes it a little easier.

“On dad.ie I’d receive these kind of disguised emails weekly, ‘I have a nine-week-old baby and I’m not handling it very well’. They needed to hear that it will calm down eventually, you’re not alone, it’s not all sweetness and light but it will improve.

“You’ve been largely a spectator for nine months and different dads deal with it differently. Some roll up their sleeves and get on with it and some run from the delivery ward and switch on Sky Sports, or submerge themselves in work, staying late every evening, or start drinking.

“In this country, the fact that there is no statutory paternity leave means there is no period to adjust. You could be expected to go back to work almost on the day of the birth — you are entirely at the mercy of the employer.”

Best of all, even the previous generations are

getting a second chance — while Caren’s own dad was typical of his generation, he now dotes on his grandchildren.

“He’s very old school, a real man’s man, a John Wayne character, wouldn’t have changed nappies or attended a birth, but he is an exceptional grandfather. When he comes to visit, he is with the kids from the moment he arrives — straight into them on the couch, reading — until when he leaves several days later. He doesn’t ever wane.

“He was as proud as punch when I wrote the book and he could go around showing his name in the acknowledgements, whether or not he’ll read it,” chuckles Caren. “The kids love him to bits and that’s grand by me.”

* The Irish Dad’s Survival Guide to Pregnancy & Beyond, O’Brien Press, €14.99.