This much I know: Santa Claus

SO far life has taught me that you really do reap what you sow.

I’d advise any children reading this to take note.

I was born in Lapland, the youngest of seven brothers and five sisters. That’s one of the reasons I’m so big — they all spoiled me rotten by giving me treats and extra portions at meals.

My father was a reindeer farmer and my mother was a seamstress. She made all our clothes. She’s to blame for my love of the colour red — there were so many of us growing up that our clothes were colour coded to make it easier to keep track of what belonged to whom, and my code was red and white.

There is a fairly complex algorithm that we apply to compiling the official naughty and nice lists. But it really just boils down to this: Do you treat others as you would treat yourself? Do you obey and honour your parents?

I was always a very talkative child and I loved making people laugh. My parents were strict but they gave us a lot of autonomy and a very good work ethic. I seem to have become jollier as I’ve got older.

My first job was as a messenger, transporting letters and parcels throughout the country. It’s a tough job, given the working conditions in the North Pole, but I loved the travelling and the opportunity to meet new people. I had a natural aptitude for languages and that lead to a job as an international courier. I was offered this job, spreading joy and peace to the world at Christmas, and jumped at the chance.

Our biggest challenge each year is how to visit billions of homes in a 24-hour period. The key is North Pole Time. Because we sit at the junction of all the time zones, time doesn’t stop so much as ‘re-sets’ once we leave base, allowing us to travel within another time zone and still return to the North Pole within the same hour we left.

In recent years one of the biggest changes for me has been the amount of media requests. With Twitter and Facebook it’s difficult to keep up with the demand and I have had to employ a good agent. Luckily, elves are pretty good at that sort of work.

I am frequently asked for advice on how to become an elf. Well, you can’t. Elves are a race, you are either born one or you aren’t. However, as long as they have some training in toy building, humans can become toy craftspeople at the North Pole. We are an equal opportunity employer. I enjoy being a public figure and am grateful to the media for helping spread my message — but one thing that does annoy me a little bit is how Rudolf gets most of the good press — they hardly ever mention the other reindeer, although they are all equally talented.

We are a non-profit operation. Virtually all of the funds to buy presents come from charitable donations but the recession has had a big impact on our budgets.

Besides a spot of cross-country ski-ing, my big passion is the environment. Global warming is affecting us all and over the years we have made changes to become a greener operation.

My worst trait is probably my sweet tooth. Mrs Claus keeps an eye on my diet, so I stay trim enough not to get stuck in too many chimneys, as I have a real fondness for mince pies, danish pastries, etc. I also enjoy a nice glass of mulled wine and a hot whiskey.

When it comes to getting down chimneys, I just dive in, although it has taken years of training to perfect this skill. I have a team that checks out the chimneys ahead of time so I know which ones are safe to dive into but, even so, I have been stuck more times than I care to admit.

I’m a hard worker but I’m not a workaholic. I take two weeks off in January, spent with Mrs Claus in an ice-hotel in Greenland, and then it’s straight back into planning next year’s event with my wonderful team.

* Santa Claus will be appearing down a chimney near you on Sunday, December 25.