#howtoleavetwitter dents your hope of ever doing so

How to Leave Twitter. Grace Dent. faber and faber, €10.55; Kindle £3.79

IT’S easy to leave Twitter. You simply remove the icon from your phone and change the password to one you will never remember.

It’s so easy in fact, that the columnist and author Grace Dent has left 117 times.

Usually she lasts a few days. Occasionally she’s held out for a few weeks. But she loves the buzz so much that she always comes back for more. And if you really want to leave Twitter, this is not the book for you.

Dent loves the social network so much, that when she wrote the book she had 54,851 followers and had tweeted 27,325 times. At the time of writing this review, she has tweeted 34,646 times and has 77,489 followers. No wait; with my ‘follow,’ that makes 77,490.

Because yes, I too am a Twitter aficionado. I won’t admit to being an addict. I don’t argue a lot on Twitter. I don’t base my self-esteem on my follower count. And I certainly don’t spend more time with my Twitter friends than my own. All danger signals, Dent says.

But I have once Tweeted about the beauty of a scene instead of just looking at it. And I regularly check Twitter in the middle of the night, and, almost always, first thing in the morning.

So, if it doesn’t genuinely help people leave Twitter, what is the point of Dent’s book? It will ease you over the awkward joining process. It will explain DM’s (Direct messaging,) and FF’s (Follow Fridays). It will give you tips on who to follow and how to acquire followers.

But, much more importantly, it will teach you how to behave on Twitter, and how to best enjoy it.

And it’s funny. And so utterly accurate. Dent is an unmerciful Tweeter. She unfollows anyone who annoys her. That includes those who think Twitter revolves around themselves; the people who say, ‘I’m back. Did u miss me?’ when they’ve only been offline for an hour or two.

They include the boasters, and the smug tweeters. And the ones who insist on giving you every detail of their dreary lives.

She recounts the joys too. And there are many. Tweeters are always first with the news. And they’re great at giving each other advice.

Problems with your computer? Need an opinion about a lipstick? Or perhaps you need someone to direct you to the best bar in a strange town. Twitter friends will always help.

Twitter is great for TV viewing too. Watching the Apprentice, (or in the case of Ireland, Vincent Browne, #vinb or #latelate) is 10 times more entertaining if you have a tweet conversation at the same time.

Beware though, of catching the 3,000 follower syndrome. This, Dent says, can make the most pleasant of Tweeters unbearable. It happens because they start to see themselves as the lynchpin of Twitter.

They’ve gained some celebrity followers, and worry they’ll get recognised in the street. They retweet everything that praises them. They group thank people for ‘Follow Fridays,’ because they are swamped.

Desperate for more attention, they resort to talking about sex; who they’ve had it with, and who they’d like to. Then they drunk tweet. Be afraid!