Talk to me: My parent is a functioning alcoholic — I find it difficult to accept how badly she treated us

Growing up with a parent with an addiction can be challenging: as a child of a person with an addiction, you may have taken on some parenting roles

As a child of a person with an addiction, you may have taken on some parenting roles, perhaps taking care of younger siblings, making meals, keeping the peace — all to avoid upsetting your mum. As you take on these tasks as a mother, you may rightfully sense how unfair that expectation was on you as a young child.

My mother is in her 60s and is a functioning alcoholic. When she's had a few drinks, all is well in her world. But when she's not drinking, she's difficult to be around.

It was only when I was a teenager that I realised she had a problem — it wasn't unusual to come home from school to find the house in chaos with my mum in bed recovering from a hangover. My dad finally left her when we'd all finished our education.

I'm now married with my own children and find it difficult to accept that she treated us so badly growing up.

Growing up with a parent with an addiction can be challenging. Even if you were not fully conscious of the nature of your mum’s difficulties, from a young age her interactions and emotional support may have been inconsistent. The impact of insecure attachment may have resulted in increased stress for you.

As a child you may not have been able to connect the way you experienced life events to your mum’s difficulties. Our bodies sense whether our world is safe and secure before our brains are developed enough to accurately reason whether it is or not. So, it is possible your body felt this struggle long before you realised there was a problem as a teenager. Children of people with addiction problems are often the first responders to their parent’s needs.

Being an adult child of a parent with an addiction can bring its own set of struggles. With each significant life experience and insight, it can feel like you are having to address again the impact of your mother’s addiction.

Coming to terms with a parent’s addiction is not as simple as a once-off 'tick the box' exercise. It is an iterative process. I would encourage you to take some time to learn about the impact of addiction on individuals and families.

The works of psychologist, Tian Dayton, and author, Melody Beattie, may help you understand the continued effect of your mother’s difficulties. Additionally, the support of others who are also adult children of a parent with an addiction can be a lifeline. The AA-affiliated group, Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA or ACoA) has been going strong in Ireland since 1987 and offers both in-person and online meetings around the country.

Groups such as ACA or Al-Anon which is for any family member or friend offer peer support. The value of peer support is gaining recognition. Peer support may help you to understand not only your experience growing up but also your current experience as a mother. When we find it difficult to accept an aspect of our life, it can result in feelings of shame or anger. These emotions are hard to navigate, and often as women we are socialised to hide our anger. Peer support can help us not only to label our emotional responses more accurately but to also tolerate them. It is after all, entirely normal that upon becoming a mother, you have a keener sense of the mothering you received and perhaps feel angry on behalf of your younger self.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

This is complex terrain, as you now have greater awareness and as a result greater indignation, while also perhaps wanting to nurture a positive relationship with your aging mother and her relationship with your children. Talking to a registered therapist may be helpful for you as you navigate this phase of your life. It may be most helpful to engage in some learning, peer support, and individual therapy in tandem and then identify which modality or combination works best for you.

Being a parent as an adult child of a parent with an addiction can be complicated. As a child of a person with an addiction, you may have taken on some parenting roles, perhaps taking care of younger siblings, making meals, keeping the peace — all to avoid upsetting your mum. As you take on these tasks as a mother, you may rightfully sense how unfair that expectation was on you as a young child.

Within a therapeutic space, you can take time to fully acknowledge the pain of your early relationship with your mother. Within therapy, you can also identify which boundaries are important for that relationship to heal.

Relational hurt requires relational repair, so paying attention to the nourishing relationships in your life is critical.

You may benefit from journalling where you intentionally recognise and name positive interactions within relationships in your life. Consider your relationship with your partner, your children, your siblings, friends, colleagues, pets and nature. Notice when there are moments of joy; who are you with?

There are a number of protective and compensatory experiences (PACEs) that may have increased your resilience as you got older. Both the presence of your father and the value placed on education would have acted as protections for you. As a mother now yourself, there are ways you can deliberately create the conditions necessary for your own children to flourish. Consider how you can encourage open communication with them. Take time to help them identify emotions and learn ways to withstand the tough ones. When possible, co-create rules with your children.

Children tend to have a keen sense of what is fair so they may surprise you. Remember to model the behaviours you expect of them. Healthy routines are important, but rigid application of routines can also be stifling.

A struggle for many children of parents with addiction is having fun. So this is my final suggestion, leave space for fun. As the American educator, Randy Pausch urges us, “never, ever underestimate the importance of having fun".