Talk To Me: Daughter-in-law leaves my son at home with the children

Psychologist Caroline Martin is here to answer your questions on whatever issues you are dealing with in life, from work pressure and stress to loneliness and grief

Fri, 14 Apr, 2023 - 02:00

My daughter-in-law is an extrovert and loves to party — she goes out most weekends with friends, often leaving my son at home to look after their young children. I can see he’s tired and in need of a break, but he never seems to complain. Is there something tactful I could say to her, or should I just step back and let them sort it out between themselves?

With young children, it is essential for parents to discover how best to replenish and recharge. The path to discovery is rarely straightforward. Men and women face different social expectations and pressures. Despite narratives to the contrary, women are often still expected to carry the burden of childcare and prioritise their families over their social lives. In contrast, men are expected to carry the burden of providing financially for their families and often have more freedom to pursue their interests.

It is understandable, with young children that they would both feel tired. One woman’s yoga class is another woman’s marathon training. Your daughter-in-law may feel her evenings with her friends dancing and laughing are critical to maintaining her sense of identity so she does not become a ghost of her former self. Her social life may reflect a core value and laughter is an excellent technique to restore inner calm.

A challenge to her social life may rupture your relationship with her. It is important not to assume that introverted or more reserved behaviours are inherently better or more appropriate than extroverted ones.

It is still not uncommon for fathers to head off for several hours to play golf at the weekend, leaving mothers with the strenuous task of bringing young children to various activities, birthday parties, or hosting neighbourhood kids for impromptu feeding frenzies. Your son also has a vital role as a parent and spouse.

I wonder if your son and his wife have already decided how they can best collaborate and tend to their children’s care. I wonder if your son chooses to stay home as much to avoid the intensity of a high-octane night out as to acquiesce to his wife’s wishes.

Your daughter-in-law’s extroverted nature and love of partying may be part of her role in their family. She may be maintaining important links with their extended social network, allowing him space to step back. Her strong social skills and ability to connect with others will serve the family well as they navigate life’s ups and downs.

Caroline Martin, psychologist. Photograph Moya Nolan

It's essential to approach this situation with sensitivity and empathy towards your son and daughter-in-law. Starting from a position of curiosity rather than judgement, it might be beneficial to chat with your son to establish how he is experiencing the current distribution of childcare. It’s critical to avoid placing blame based on assumptions about your daughter-in-law’s motivations. For example, you may discover that their financial situation prohibits both of them from going out, and they have jointly agreed that they benefit more as a couple when she goes out.

It is essential not to take sides, as this could create tension and conflict between the couple. By listening to your son and daughter-in-law’s perspective, you may identify ways the wider family can support them in finding the balance between work, parenting and socialising. We often need the support of a network to achieve this harmony. Simply validating their struggle can be hugely relieving for them as a couple.

When we feel heard and understood, we can stop trying to defend our actions and can begin to consider alternatives. The conversation can now be more creative. One approach could be to offer to help out with the children or household chores so they can both have time to recharge in a way that reflects their individual needs.

Your son might not complain, but it does not mean he is not struggling or feeling overwhelmed. If you are concerned about your son’s ability to advocate for himself, have a conversation with him to ascertain the accuracy of this worry. He may benefit from some support to learn how to communicate his feelings in a constructive way and to negotiate a compromise that works for him, his wife, and their family.

Ultimately, it’s up to your son and daughter-in-law to work out their own dynamic, but offering your support and empathy can go a long way towards helping them to navigate parenthood in a healthy and respectful manner.

By providing practical support and avoiding gender stereotypes, you can help create a more equal and supportive environment for both parents and their children. As our children grow up and enter parenthood, we must respect their autonomy and agency. This is, after all, their life journey to stumble and thrive through.

Take care.