Sex File: Why is he such a bad kisser? 

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What do I do? I've met a wonderful man, the sex is great and I really like him, but sometimes I can't believe we got this far - the kissing is not good at all. It's either a brief peck or too strong a tongue.

It's not something you should ignore, because kissing is a fundamental indicator of romantic compatibility. On the cortical homunculus - the neurological 'map' that illustrates how the brain senses and controls parts of the body - the lips, mouth and tongue occupy about five times more space than the genitals. Obviously, a lot of that sensory input comes from taste, but the information that we get from kissing someone is hugely important too.

As you say, he must have other wonderful qualities for you two to have got this far. A study confirmed that a first kiss can make or break a budding relationship, with most people reporting that attraction for a potential partner waned after a bad one. The behavioural scientist Professor Val Curtis, who was one of the world's first "disgustologists", arguing that emotions such as disgust can drive behaviour change, warned that one of the first signs that a sexual relationship is in danger is when one partner feels disgusted by kissing the other.

Curtis described the sensation of disgust as an adaptive system that evolved to help humans to avoid disease and reduce contact with dangerous parasites. Although kissing is sometimes considered an innocuous erotic interaction, studies show that a ten-second kiss on the lips can transfer as many as 80 million bacteria into a person's mouth. Because it is such a high-risk activity, Curtis argued that it had evolved as a way of demonstrating trust and relational commitment. It is a plausible theory. When you really fancy someone you can't wait to kiss them, but if you are not sexually attracted to someone the thought of having their tongue in your mouth is completely repulsive.

Like sex, kissing is something that we do intuitively. Because no one teaches us how to kiss, our early sexual partners have a huge influence on our technique. If they don't provide constructive feedback on what feels nice, or not, bad habits can continue unchecked. The good news is that kissing is a learnt behaviour, so you can turn this around - but you are going to have to take the lead.

Show your wonderful man how you like to be kissed and give him feedback. If he is too forceful or too sloppy, tell him. Show him how to be more playful. Share a champagne kiss. Rub ice cubes over your lips so they feel slightly numb and then kiss to warm them up. If you make learning fun, he will be an eager student. If he is willing to co-operate and keen to please you, you'll have learnt something very important about his ability to adapt, to learn and to take feedback. And the better your new man gets, the more time you should spend kissing. Studies have shown that when healthy adults increase the frequency of romantic kissing in their relationships for six weeks they report improvements in perceived stress, relationship satisfaction and even cholesterol levels.

If he doesn't rise to the occasion and the kissing remains abysmal, it's obviously your call, but multiple studies have established that when kissing declines in a relationship, sexual frequency and marital satisfaction tend to follow suit.

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