Colman Noctor: Stop expecting your teen to behave like an adult 

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A recent poll found that 75% of parents think the most challenging years to raise a child are between 13 and 19 years. A third of the 1,000 parents in Britain surveyed said they felt “unprepared” for parenting teenagers. Coping with adolescent mood swings was the most stressful aspect, they said. A further 32% said they found it difficult to help their teens through the anxiety of exams.

I often hear similar concerns in my practice. Most of the young people I treat are in the teenage bracket. To understand what is happening at home, I often start by asking about their relationship with their parents and frequently follow up separately with their parents. These early discussions usually involve a parent telling me how their teenager’s behaviour is problematic, and they want me to make them ‘less difficult’. Conversely, the conversation with the teenager reveals they believe their parents are being unreasonable, and they want me to help make them ‘less difficult’ too.

I can understand this dynamic from both sides and often there is no clear villain or victim.  The reality is that both parents and teenagers are making relevant points- it's as if they are both looking at a number, one sees a '6' and the other sees a '9'. Both are correct. They are just looking at it from different angles. 

Friction between parents and teenagers is inevitable given that both parties have competing desires and expectations, with each often holding polar opposite viewpoints. What is noticeable though, is that the more entrenched the position either party takes, the more polarised the relationship becomes, thereby reducing the ability to understand a situation from the other’s perspective.

Both sides believe they are right

Conflict Resolution Theory suggests that where a ‘miscommunication’ occurs, we should establish a mutual understanding of the position of both parties and try to achieve a compromise. But in the case of parents and teenagers, where the relationship is often emotionally loaded, both tend to be convinced they are ‘right’ and are unwilling to compromise for fear they will lose the argument.

However, attempting to win a disagreement by doubling down or becoming more imposing about your views rarely works. In all my years of working with families, I have never seen a teenager pause in the middle of a heated argument with their parent and say: ‘Do you know what? You are right. I have just heard what you’ve said, and it makes complete sense. From now on, I am going to change my ways’. This just doesn’t happen.

Yet despite being utterly ineffective, teenagers and parents continue to try to wear each other down to get their way.

Teenage angst is not a foregone conclusion, and some teens negotiate this life stage without considerable friction. However, this is not always the preferred outcome. The angsty teenager externalises their frustrations and uses their voice, which is an important developmental step. But the more silent teenager may be internalising this frustration, feeling voiceless, and expressing their frustrations in more displaced ways, which can also be problematic. Whether it is openly expressed or not, this life stage is a turbulent time for parents and teenagers and as a result tensions can run high.

Teenagers need the freedom to be irresponsible

Young people between the age of 12 and 18 do not want to be adults - they want to be teenagers. Despite their parents’ desire for them to be wise, mature and sensible, it is not a shared priority. Parents often see it as their mission to instil these values in their child without accepting that the teenager is neither ready, willing or has any desire to adopt them. One of the core benefits of being a teenager is that you are not burdened by responsibility or foresight. This freedom allows the teenager to be carefree and irresponsible, which are par for the course when it comes to the learning process of growing up.

We need to remind ourselves that teenagers are trying to find out who they are and who they want to be in the midst of an emotional and hormonal surge while also establishing their independence. At the same time, they need nurturance. It’s a confusing time.

The complexity and confusion can be captured in the example of wanting to be given the freedom from parents to explore the world but then needing a lift into town to go on a night out. The dichotomy of wanting independence but still needing parental support is a problematic dynamic for all involved. The teenager resents their dependency on their parents, and the parent often feels ‘used’ and unappreciated. As a result, phrases like, ‘this is not a hotel’, ‘I am not your personal taxi driver’, ‘I’m not an ATM’ are common sayings in parent-teen interactions.

Parents cannot have it both ways

Parents send mixed messages to their teenagers too. Many bemoan that their child no longer expresses love for them as before. Parental hugs and kisses become less welcomed and a distance can form. This lack of physical contact can be experienced as a loss by parents who feel their child is growing up too quickly. Yet, the parent also expects their teenager to have the wisdom and maturity of an adult concerning their study, education, and approach to friendships. But they cannot have it both ways - emotional and physical development are not that convenient.

So, what is the best approach to raising teens? We must start with trying to understand the developmental level of teenagers and appreciate their emotional and social limitations. If we begin by accepting that teenagers will have different priorities than us, it may help to reduce the frustrations we feel when they fall short of our expectations. While there is a need to accommodate some of the moodiness in adolescence, we also need to be clear about what is acceptable and what is not. Negotiating the hormonal stage of adolescence does and should not mean that family values of respecting and caring for each other are dismissed or forgotten.

Where behaviour is unacceptable, then sanctions need to be given. As parents, we can empathise with the struggle of adolescence while not condoning how our teenage children manage it.

Working it out together

The most effective parenting skill when it comes to raising teenagers is distinguishing between an ‘unwilling teenager’ and an ‘unable teenager’. The unwilling teenager may require robust direction and some sanction for challenging behaviour, whereas the ‘unable teenager’ will need support and understanding. But the skill of deciphering the difference between unwillingness and inability is tougher than it sounds, and getting this wrong on occasion is part of working it out with teenage children.

Parents would also benefit from appreciating that growing up is different now from when they were teenagers. Our children are negotiating adolescence in a time of unprecedented pressure. Academic expectations, sporting competitiveness and the social landscape have never been more complex, and the disruption of the last two years will take its toll for some time to come. So what may not be a big deal to you is a big deal to them, so try to listen to them from where they are at rather than where you want them to be.

If parenting your teenager is becoming a battleground, then perhaps you need to be the adult in the room and own what you can do to change things, which may mean a compromise or losing a few battles.

I don’t know too many ‘25-year-old teenagers’, so it is important to remind ourselves that ‘this too will pass’. Most angsty teenagers end up having great relationships with their parents in adulthood, so maybe try to play ‘the long game’ and remind yourself that they will come around - eventually.

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist