Learner Dad: My wife reckons I'm a classic Fun Dad

Phil Dunphy (Ty Burrell) in a scene from Modern Family. Picture: Getty 

I had a run-in with my son the other day. In my defence, it’s been a while coming. In his defence, I was tired and cranky and he didn’t do anything that bad.

We were back after a longish drive and he started whingeing about the taste of the water from the filter jug. He’s got a really good whingeing voice, it’s a thing of beauty, one that scratches away at the inside of my brain .

I lost it and cancelled the video game time he had been promised later that evening. He lost it back and looked like he was going to call a solicitor. I stood my ground, which isn’t like me.

My wife reckons I’m a classic Fun Dad. She moulds our kids into decent human beings while I get to goof around with them, a bit like Phil Dunphy in Modern Family . She’s not entirely wrong, and the kids know it, which is why they keep whingeing if I try a bit of punishment.

I need to be like a friend of mine, a classic Stern Dad. He’s what you’d call scary, in a really nice way. This friend is one of the nicest guys I know, but his kids know that if they question a punishment, he’ll double it on the spot. One day without video games becomes two — so he has two of the best-behaved kids in the world.

I should be clear here. My kids are two lovely, well-behaved people, most of the time. Any time I compliment another parent on their well-behaved child in public , the answer is always the same – "you should see them at home". So my kids aren’t outlaws – they just need to row back on the whingeing a bit.

It took a while for my son to realise I wasn’t backing down the other night. It didn’t help that he felt he’d been wronged and I didn’t give him a final warning like I usually do. But the final warning thing only encourages whingeing. I need my kids to understand that I can hand out a sanction at any moment and not back down. In short, I need them to be a bit more afraid of me.

There were just two problems with my newfound role as Stern Dad.  One is that my son would want t o play with me if he had no video games, and that’s mainly just punishment for me.

The second problem was the bigger one. I’m a weak human being. I’m particularly weak for my family and can’t stand being out with any of them for more than 20 minutes. My son, who is fairly manipulative for an eight-year-old, realises this and started playing on my emotions later that evening. 

In fairness, it’s more that he’s a sentimental old eejit like his father and hates conflict and bad blood. So he started pretending to be cross with me, but I could see in his face that he wanted us to make up, so we had a hug and moved on. I still didn’t give him video games, but I let him watch Netflix because it had been a long day for all of us.

The good news is that my son is less inclined to whinge — that’s a result. The bad news is he’s watching me like a hawk to see if I follow through on threats to his sister, when ever she has a bit of a whinge. Worse again, he’s reporting me to his mother if I don’t follow through, and it’s starting to feel I’m at Parenting School. Still, it’s reassuring to know that he’ll fight his corne r, even if it’s against me.

I’ll never be Stern Dad. I don’t know if it’s a strength or weakness to hate conflict, but either way, I’m always going to be a bit soft on my kids. I blame my father. He was Fun Dad as well, I remember him getting flak for it from my mother when we were growing up. My guess is my own son will be Fun Dad if his turn comes as a parent. These things can’t be helped.