'Mindset is everything': First Dates host Mateo Saina shares his top tips for finding love

As Jennifer McShane grapples with love in a post-Covid world, she turns to Mateo Saina, host of First Dates, for some very practical advice. His top tip? Put yourself out there – and be yourself

Matteo Saina in Glas restaurant, Chatham St., where he works. Photograph Moya Nolan

I am unlucky in love. Is it because I watch too many movies and this has skewed my expectations of realistic romance? This is likely. Do I subconsciously at least put up barriers due to having mild Cerebral Palsy (CP)? Most definitely. Due to the latter, I’m quite despondent when it comes to love, convinced in some ways that the partial disability will be too much hassle for a partner. As a result, I tend to make little effort, having nothing to really stack up when it comes to the odds.

This, according to First Dates’ charming maître d’, Mateo Saina, is my first mistake. Because, he says, dating is all about the numbers. He has a no-nonsense approach when it comes to matters of the heart. It’s easy to see why so many on the show are soothed by his relaxing presence. He is direct without being unkind and encouraging without a rose-tinted glass perspective. Because if you’re not at least trying to play (and hopefully enjoy) the game, how can you hope to be a serious contender?

“You know, this is like giving financial advice. When someone is going through the hard part, you have to be careful what you’re saying,” he says. “When it comes to this, putting yourself out there, obviously, the easiest thing to say is follow your heart, but when you’re out of the loop, let’s call it, for years, you do just get used to that. Not approaching people, not being open and so on. So, that would be the first thing, to switch that in your head, just being more relaxed about encountering new people, or open to new possible dates and giving a chance for at least some extra chat as a starting point. Going into something with reasonable doubt that I could be wrong on my initial first thought, you know? Though equally that could also be a recipe for disaster, depending on how it works out!”

Refreshingly, when I mention my CP as my barrier when it comes to a lacking love life, Mateo is utterly open about this, telling me that his father also has a disability. He proudly explains the unique partnership his father and mother have, even with some challenges through the years, and reiterates that attitude towards the things that make us feel vulnerable or self-conscious makes all the difference to how a potential partner will perceive us.

“My father was born disabled. He was born when there were problems with contraceptive pills and people were getting born with say only half a hand and my father was one of them. And then when he was 11, he got polio. 

I come from a disabled family and I learned a lot from it.

“My father is extremely, extremely strong minded. Nobody can break him. He is convinced that he is the best looking fellow in the world – and he puts it like this in his head. And you’d have no idea how women react. It’s incredible. He’s the biggest charmer I’ve ever come across. The way he gives a compliment, the way he looks at them, the way he shows them respect. It takes away outside looks, and you focus directly on what’s inside. But that’s a strong mind. That’s a man who has trained himself for years and years.”

He has huge admiration for his parents, he adds, in particular his mother, whom he says helped strengthen their partnership and became the backbone of the family.

“The love between them and how they were a team was incredible to see.”

It is, regardless of disability, he says, all totally down to mindset.

“Obviously mindset is everything, you know. If you put it in your head that you look like Hedi Klum, who cares what I think or what somebody else thinks? If you feel good in your skin, who am I to tell you differently? Though I understand your fears and understand your insecurities [with the CP], and I can see where they’re coming from. And it’s a hard situation to be in, but yet again, it’s the way you put things in your head. Negativity is stronger than positivity, so the more you’re negative the more you’re gonna kill your positivity. So you better switch because it’s down to mathematics, pretty simply, one plus one is two. If you’re positive, you’re gonna put out positivity, and maybe something positive comes out. But if you show fear and insecurity and so on, then you’re reducing your chances.

“Everything in life is a percentage. Everything. So is this. So, the more you’re dating, the more chances you have to have sex, right?” he continues, laughing. “You put yourself out there, and then there’s the first one, and the second and the third, you say ‘just go f**k yourself you dick,’ but when you get to the fifth? Finally, somebody decent. And you don’t remember the dicks, you remember the nice ones. This can also be a double-edged sword because if you keep on looking and only looking with no other focus in life, then this desperation comes in. But if you’re not looking, it’s more natural – it’s a fine line. You need to do it part-time and remember to have a life as well.”

And when it comes to meeting people in real life or going online, Mateo says it is usually down to a combination of the two, the mainstay being to just be out more interacting with people for starters.

“It’s a combination of both and depends what kind of personality you are,” he agrees. “You know, if I were single, which I’m not for the last 10 years, I would just start meeting people at work, and so on and so on. And then form a group of friends. I wouldn’t be the guy who has loads of hobbies, like running or that, but I would want to be socialising. Long story short, you need to make the initial steps. Once you make the first step, then everything is easier, then you can be out more, you’re more approachable – your aura can be felt.”

He agrees that Covid has put a stop to the spontaneity that makes dating fun, or at least a little easier. Add that to the fact that most of our interactions are online now, and it’s easy to see why so many find it hard to find the right partner.

“We couldn’t even go out to have a relaxed drink and have the option to stay a little bit longer which would help when it comes to meeting people. So that could be a big factor. Covid postponed these dating and spontaneous meetings but I believe it’s going to bounce back.”

Ireland has been Mateo’s home for over 10 years. He lives here with his partner and their two children – they just recently welcomed a baby boy to their family. Relationships change when kids are added to the mix and he says different expectations take focus, be it with starting a family or as you get older.

“You have a plan you have to follow when you have kids,” he continues. “You have to stop thinking about bullsh*t. But they can create plenty of drama in the relationship too. If it’s not stable, you’re going to get broken. So before you have kids, you better figure out if you can live with this person. Because when the kids come first, it is going to get much much worse before it gets better. But it’s a different avenue in your twenties. You see it as part of procedure, which is natural, only you have different plans if you have a long-term relationship. But if you are the single guy or girl in your 20s, what do you care, you’re gonna have sex with this one, with that one, as you should, before you settle down in your 30s or in your 40s, depending on your age.”

We wrap up as Mateo encourages me to apply for First Dates myself, explaining that they have now become a real “dating service” as opposed to the early seasons when the first 1,000 people “just wanted to be on TV” and leaves me with solid words of wisdom: “When you don’t care, you become attractive, the sexy girl in the room. Remember, when you don’t give a f*ck, then you’re interesting.”