Colman Noctor: Why a child's truth is the only one that matters

Speaking to people who 'have it all' over the years has taught me that what others think about you means nothing if you don’t believe it yourself

Self-confidence is how we project ourselves outwardly. It can be performative Picture: iStock 

I am always interested when parents tell me they wish their child was more confident. They typically explain that their child is a little shy or reserved when we explore it. They often describe how the child is struggling to assert themselves socially and at times lacking the ability or willingness to speak up for themselves. And while lacking confidence is undoubtedly a component of some children’s difficulties, my impression is there may also be issues with self-worth, which may need to be addressed first.

I explored the difference between self-confidence and self-esteem in a previous column. This week, I want to dive deeper into our children’s external and internal worlds.

Self-confidence is how we project ourselves outwardly. It can be performative. It can sometimes be selective, applying to certain aspects of our lives. For example, someone may be very confident in their ability in sport, singing, art or academics.

Robin Williams was adored by fans around the world but his evaluation of himself was harsh.

Robin Williams was considered by many to be a master of the art of comedy. The pressure involved in standing up in front of thousands of people and attempting to make them laugh for a sustained period must be daunting, requiring exceptional confidence.

But his self-worth did not match his professional confidence. In an interview he said: ‘I think the saddest people always try the hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anybody else to feel like that’. 

Though Williams had millions of adoring fans, his evaluation of himself and his value was incredibly harsh.

Consider your child's view of the world 

The focus needs to be on the child's view of the world. A family therapist colleague describes a typical scenario: a child says they feel ‘invisible’, and the parents respond by saying ‘but we do everything for you, we bring you to your activities and we tell you how good you are’. Her therapeutic response? ‘Yes, but your child's truth is the only truth that matters to them'. I couldn’t agree more.

As parents, we often talk about how amazing we believe our children are. These claims are often supported by statements about the child’s intelligence, sporting ability or creativity. But this may not register with the child as an important metric. 

For them, being enough might involve something different, like traits such as bravery, kindness or loyalty. In many cases where parents applaud their children for their ‘abilities’, the child knows they are not ‘the best’ at these things and, bar a few examples, will know of others who are better than them.

It is difficult to know why parents equate their children's achievements with their worth. I sometimes wonder if this is connected to their own experience of childhood. Could it be an attempt to vicariously re-live or recreate the glory days of their youth? Or is it that we have become so outcome-focused as a society that tangible measurement in the form of medals, prizes and accolades determine what is of value and what is not?

Children often view the world as an attention economy and see themselves in a race for visibility. As parents, teachers and coaches, we set the tone of what aspects of children’s lives we acknowledge more than others. If a child is seeking to be recognised or seen, they will behave in a way that is effective in securing the adult's gaze. This can happen positively through impressive performances or by negative means with acting-out behaviours.

The most visible aspects of child behaviours are external variables or skill sets, or things we can see and measure. We introduce children to our peers by listing their hobbies and skills. How often do we refer to them in company in relation to their attributes? By setting the language around what we can do, we minimise the value of who they are.

Many young people who attend my therapy room could be described as confident. They could be an ‘A student’, have the lead role in the school play or the captain of the hockey team, yet they have made an attempt on their lives. This is nearly always a huge shock to those around them who cannot understand how someone with such impressive skills would no longer want to live. 

All too often, those who come to me for help are described by their parents and teachers as ‘having it all’. But speaking to these young people over the years has taught me that what others think about you means nothing if you don’t believe it yourself

When teenagers are at a low ebb, their parents often repeatedly point to their external variables and how this should translate into contentment. Statements like ‘sure you are great at sports’ ‘you are so bright’ Instead of making the teenager feel better, these comments merely make them feel more guilty for not feeling better despite ‘having it all’.

You are more than your achievements 

We all have interpersonal and intrapersonal dimensions. The interpersonal is expressed in our conversations with others, whereas the intrapersonal is the inner dialogue with ourselves. Our conversations with others tend to be about those tangible things that we use as currency. 

This is often how we introduce ourselves: ‘Hi my name is Colman, I am a psychotherapist, I live in Carlow and I am a father of three’. We choose to share the information about how ‘good you are at life’ or how ‘able’ you are to do things. We rarely would say, for example: ‘Hi, I am Colman and I am loyal, kind and try my best to be a decent person’. This is because society largely focuses on external measurements when evaluating a person.

The internal variables are far less visible. These are more intimate and involve an intrapersonal dimension which is about our relationship with ourselves. These character traits or core components of the ‘self’ might be measured by asking: How generous am I? How reliable am I? Am I genuine and authentic? Is my life meaningful to me?

These are the aspects of the self we need society to value, especially as the world becomes more and more outcome-focused and outward-facing. The impact of social media and online communication prioritises the ‘profile’ aspects of our lives. 

It is most likely that in the contemporary world, your profile will determine your acceptance or rejection - for example, whether you get swiped left or right. So, it comes as no surprise that we are focusing on our outward-facing qualities instead of our inward-facing values.

Providing a counter-narrative to this culture is not easy, but there are some things we can do. Let’s start by changing the ‘award culture’ in schools. We need to move away from solely commending what children and teenagers achieve and instead preserve a place to commend young people for who they are. 

Surely it would not be too much to put an extra award on the TY awards night that recognises someone who contributed to the school’s welcoming culture, or someone who overcame adversity or someone who displayed resilience, courage and kindness?

It’s the small shifts in culture that help us to value the multiple aspects of human value as opposed to the narrow metrics of sports or academia. This is not to be confused by handing out tokenistic prizes or having a ‘participation award’. It is about awarding an achievement that is not traditionally recognised.

While I have heard of some schools that have a ‘spirit award’, they tend to be awarded to someone who has

enthusiastically bought into the school ethos. Still, I fear this may involve an aspect of performance, similar to the ‘head girl’ or ‘head boy’ accolades. 

I have yet to see a school that awards a student for managing to complete a school year having experienced a close bereavement or recognising a student who welcomed a new person to the school and demonstrated kindness and generosity.

Maybe if we were able to develop this recognition as part of our culture, then the following conversation between two parents might not be unusual or odd?

‘How is your Brian doing?’

‘Oh, he is great. He was delighted with his Junior Cert results and he was picked as the captain of the GAA team this year so he is in great form. How is your Mark?’

‘Oh, Mark is great, he is a mannerly young lad, he has a nice bunch of friends and is very good to us all, we are very proud of him.'

• Dr Colman Noctor is a child psychotherapist