Dear Louise: I would love to stop drinking, but don't know how

Louise O'Neill, author. Photograph Moya Nolan

Hi Louise, 

I don't know how to deal with the pressures of drinking. I always drink too much when I go out and I hate the way I feel the following day. I get panic attacks and beat myself up for wasting my time being hungover and miserable. 

I would love to stop drinking but I'm not sure I can. Would love to get your advice on this. 

I gave up drinking in April 2018. I wasn’t an alcoholic or even what most people might deem as a ‘problem drinker’, but after a few too many drinks, I made bad choices. I acted in ways that made me deeply ashamed the next day. 

I didn’t hurt anyone or cause harm, but my behaviour wasn’t reflective of who I was as a person. Combined with my natural inclination for self-loathing, that shame (or The Fear as it’s more commonly known) felt corrosive.

I dealt with it the only way I knew how to process painful emotions at that time, with disordered eating. My life was chaotic and messy; I was spinning out of control.

Deciding to get sober was the first step to taking back some of that control. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that only two months later, I began to recover from the eating disorder that had plagued me for most of my adult life. I have attempted a sip of Prosecco here and there in the years since, at a wedding or celebration of some kind, but I’ve lost both the taste and the tolerance for alcohol. And that’s okay!

I tell you this because I think often, especially in Ireland, there is such a culture of drinking — so much of our socialising is predicated on the idea that it will take place over a glass of wine or a gin and tonic — that the prospect of taking a step back from that can seem frightening. No one wants to be ‘zero craic’, or the ‘boring’ one. We don’t want to be excluded from parties or nights out because we’ll be the only one who isn’t drinking.

You didn’t write what age you are in your letter, but this is particularly difficult if you’re younger. I’m not going to lie and say that I didn’t receive the odd comment or sideways glance when I first gave up alcohol but I will say that your true friends aren’t going to dump you because you made a decision to prioritise your health.

Maybe you’re someone who can still stay out all night dancing, completely sober — I am not one of those people! — but if you’re not, there are plenty of things you can do that don’t involve around drinking. 

You can become the friend that people go to the cinema with, the friend who organises tickets for a match or the theatre, who sends details of an interesting art exhibition into the Whatsapp chat. 

The friend who is always up for a hike on Sunday morning because you’re not battling a hangover. Believe me, that friend is worth her weight in gold.

While reading your letter, I was struck by a few things. The first of which was your admission that you always drink too much when you go out. I wonder — why do you drink? We all have our reasons — for some, it’s a way of unwinding after a stressful day, for someone else it’s to lower their inhibitions when flirting with a stranger they find attractive. These reasons aren’t necessarily problematic, it’s only an issue when someone is, as you say you are, taking it too far.

So, do you drink to keep up with your friends? Or are you using alcohol to mask some deep-rooted insecurity? It would be helpful for you to reflect on this because if it’s the latter, talking through those insecurities with a therapist would be hugely important.

In healing our wounds, often we find we don’t need the crutches we used before — the binge drinking, the disordered eating, the compulsive shopping — to get us through the day.

The second line that jumped out at me from your letter was when you said, “I would love to stop drinking but I'm not sure I can". The desire to quit but feeling unable to, could point to a more serious question.

Do you think there are addiction issues at play? If so, there are Alcoholics Anonymous meetings in pretty much every village, town, and city in this country and you will be met with empathy and understanding at each one.

If that’s not something you feel ready for, you could always read Quit like a Woman by Holly Whitaker (yes, as featured in the Sex and the City reboot!), the subtitle of which is, “the radical choice to not drink in a culture obsessed with alcohol". Whitaker is also the founder of an online platform called Tempest, which has been described as a ‘small but mighty alternative to traditional recovery models like rehab and AA'. That could be a useful resource for you to explore in the short-term while you evaluate your options.

Whenever I am faced with a big decision, I always make a pros and cons list. It would seem to me that the ‘cons’ of continuing to drink — the panic attacks, feeling hungover and miserable, wishing you could give up but feeling powerless to do so — surely outweigh anything that could be considered a positive. Just think of the freedom you will have if you decide to give up drinking once and for all! Better sleep, increased energy. A sense of purpose and determination. The extra money in your bank account, clearer skin when you look in the mirror every morning. But most importantly, the knowledge that you are the master of your fate. You are the captain of your soul.

• Louise always recommends speaking with a professional for more support. If you have a question that you would like answered, email [e-mail]