Richard Hogan: How to parent a child who is being bullied

When a child is targeted in a negative way by other children it can have a devastating impact on the psyche of that child. Parents can suffer, too. They can feel powerless, helpless, and unsure how best to manage their child’s emotions. 

Supporting a child who is being bullied by other children is one of the most upsetting and disturbing experiences we go through as parents. Watching our child suffer at the hands of a tormentor is incredibly painful. And of course, it can bring so much up for us. 

Our own childhood experiences are never far from our parenting strategies and if we were bullied in our childhood it can orient us in a negative way when we try to support our own children. So, it is important that we manage our own feelings first before we ever start to think about supporting our children. 

The analogy of the oxygen on an aeroplane is a good one when thinking about this issue. You must attend to yourself first before you can properly and safely support your child. Because the worst thing we can do is also become victimised by the bully. 

When this happens we are in danger of potentially exasperating the situation as we will not be in a positive supporting position. Which is required if there is to be a positive outcome for your child.

When I’m sitting with a child and listening to their experience of being bullied the first thing I try to do is to hear how they have internalised this experience. Children have an uncanny ability to make everything their fault. 

They come to see the reason why they have been bullied as the result of something they have done or because they are ‘odd’, ‘nerd’ or ‘annoying’. They rarely blame the person who is attempting to victimise them. 

So, when I’m working with a child who has such a negative internalised voice I help them to see the error of their thinking. The famous German philosopher, Immanuel Kant, says; ‘when the premise is wrong the conclusions will always be wrong’. 

The premise here is that it is their fault so all the conclusions they come to about themselves and the reason why they have been targeted will always be incorrect and cause huge suffering. It is often a striking moment in therapy when they realise they have been holding such false premises about themselves. 

When a child understands that it is the person who is targeting them or excluding them that has the issue and not them it allows the truth of the situation to emerge. Which gives power back to the child. But how does this support a child currently being bullied? 

Well, the first thing you must do is to fight the impulse to problem solve this issue for your child. Listen to yourself and ask, why am I having such a strong reaction here? Is this more about me than my child? Manage your feelings and put yourself in a supporting role. 

Remember the phrase I often use; ‘be by your child’s side not on it’. And then listen to your child’s experience without becoming emotional. When you become emotional you are telling your child you don’t have the skills to help them with this. 

Of course, it is very distressing to hear your child’s experience but keep your reaction for your partner or friends. Vent your frustration and anger there but not in front of your child. Help them with the negative internalised voice they have. You might not hear it immediately but it’s there. 

So, take your time with that and ask leading questions like, ‘when does he/she say those negative things?’ ‘Why do you think he/she says it when everyone is there?’ ‘Why does he/she use those words to try and hurt you?’ ‘Why are those words hurtful?’ 

These kinds of questions might help you to hear the way your child is speaking to themselves about the situation. Make sure to help them see the error in their thinking and also help them to see that they have power in this dynamic. Words only hurt if we believe them. 

Asking your child, why do they believe the words of someone like that? Would they take advice from them? Surely not! So why believe the hurtful words they launch. The answer to that question might just help your child to see that they have a lot more strength than they think. 

Helping your child’s self-esteem to stay intact during an experience like bullying is a difficult job. But not impossible. Once they understand that it’s not their fault and they have power in this situation it can help them to view things in a more positive way and make them more resilient.