Richard Hogan: Good boundaries can help prevent trouble in future

A lack of boundaries can result in a difficult relationship with your teen

‘Good fences make good neighbours’ says Robert Frost in the poem, Mending Wall. I often think of that line when I’m working with families struggling with difficult teenagers. I hear myself paraphrasing the line, ‘good boundaries make good teenagers’. 

Healthy boundaries teach children how to regulate themselves. A very important attribute to develop in your child before they move into the difficult adolescent years. We are all hoping to launch healthy/happy children into the world that will be able to make the right decisions when we are not around. 

But something happens in those formative years that interrupts that aspiration, and parents end up reaping the terrible rewards of that disruption. I meet so many families in crisis. The teenager in the house is causing incredible strain on every member of that system. 

A difficult teenager, defying all the rules can really impact the wellbeing of the entire family and rupture a healthy relationship between parents. But what do you do when you are confronted with a teenager who not only has that recalcitrant teenage spirit but openly defies you and will not obey a word of what you say? I meet this a considerable amount in my clinic and I generally hear the same narratives. Opaque rules, inconsistency in parental approach, permissive parenting styles, trying too hard to be the child’s friend etc. 

I know this sounds like I am blaming parents for difficult teenagers. But our children do not develop in a vacuum. And understanding early, the way we parent our children in childhood massively increases the potential for harmony later in the adolescent years could be one of the most striking insights you gain as a parent. So, it’s not about blame, but rather about being forewarned.

Those in education can often complain that parents should just make their child behave or attend school. If only it was that easy. What is the parent of a child who will not get up and go to school to do? Drag them out of bed and drag them in the door of school. When your child refuses to do anything you say, what can you do? 

This is such an important question to think about, because the reality is once they reach a certain age it is increasingly difficult to control your child or have any power over them. There is a scene in The Sopranos that illuminates what I’m trying to express here. Tony Soprano (head mob boss of the New Jersey crime family) is talking with his wife about his teenage daughter, Meadow Soprano’s behaviour. 

She has defied them and broken all the rules, she has had a party in her grandmother’s house and her friends have destroyed it. When Meadow leaves, smiling, after they have vaguely reprimanded her, Tony turns to his wife and says, ‘if she ever figures out we have no power we are in serious trouble’. 

And that’s what can happen so easily in the teenage years. They figure out that the balance of power lies with them. The family falls into an inverted hierarchy and it causes incredible conflict. A family system where the teenager in the house has complete control is doomed to chaos. 

And this is why boundaries early on in your child’s formation are crucially important because they teach them so much. I write about boundaries a lot because I see, first hand, the fallout of what happens when a child has never had to negotiate a healthy boundary system. Parents are often slow to bring boundaries into the family because they mistakenly believe, to operate a boundary is to be autocratic in their parenting style. 

This is an error in thinking and often results in a very difficult teenager. I have seen it in school so often, It can start with a note to get out of homework, and then a note to say they were sick when they were not, then a note to get them out of something they don’t want to do and eventually the parent has created an unrealistic expectancy that the child will never have to do anything they don’t want to do, even obey the parent. So, it backfires. 

Remember, the child who gets everything enjoys nothing. A healthy boundary that is authoritative, clear, fair and doesn’t annihilate the child when they break it, is what children crave and more importantly sets your child up to be able to manage themselves during the turbulent teenage years.

Boundaries are not destructive things wielded by despotic parents. When they are implemented correctly they help your children navigate the world in a healthy way. Children will break boundaries, and the boundary should move at times to allow for this to happen, but there should always be reasonable consequences for that challenging behaviour. 

This teaches children about decision making, choices have consequences, compromise, respect and managing themselves when no one is watching. When they learn this early in their formation, later when they have more agency they won’t be a nightmare to manage for their parents.