Dear Louise: My husband won't stop making jokes about domestic violence

'I cannot sugar-coat this for you — his words are a huge problem.' Picture: iStock

My husband and I have three children, and at the moment, I am not working outside the home. I’ve always considered him to be a feminist — we share the household responsibilities equally, he has always supported my career and furthering my education. He speaks openly with me about feminist issues and has respect for women. The problem area is when it comes to violence against women. Occasionally, he makes ‘jokes’ about domestic violence. (He might say ‘clean up that kitchen or I’ll give you a slap’.) I hate this and have told him repeatedly that I don’t think domestic violence is something to be joked about. I don’t want my small children hearing it either. He argues that it is funny, as it is being told in the context of a loving relationship, and so it is ironic. The issue flared up again this week. We were having a general conversation and he said a person was ‘walking like a woman trying to get away from a man who wanted to murder her’ and chuckled to himself. I got very angry and said it was an insensitive thing to say in the context of Sarah Everard’s murder. He maintained that he has a right to make a joke if he likes, and that I am paranoid about being raped or murdered. I feel so hurt that his ‘right to make a joke’ is more important to him than my feelings. I don’t feel listened to.

You sent me this letter only a few days after Sarah Everard was abducted and murdered in London in March. It was an emotional time for many women as we saw ourselves in Sarah. ‘There but for the grace of God go I,’ we thought. ‘That could have been my friend, my sister, my daughter, my mother.’ There was an outpouring of grief but of anger too, that, as women, we do not feel safe walking home alone. We have made our lives smaller and smaller in the hopes of protecting ourselves and still, so many of us live in fear. I am not surprised that your husband’s ‘joke’ hit a nerve with you.