Richard Hogan: How we talk to kids about suicide must be improved

Grainne Gill, Eimear Doran, Helen O’Reegan pictured Greystones Co Wicklow taking part in Pieta’s Darkness Into Light 2021. Picture - Andres Poveda

Last Saturday 140,000 people, all over the world, took part in the annual ‘Darkness into Light’ event to raise funds for suicide prevention. Incredibly, in the midst of a global health crisis, more than €6m was raised. There is something wonderful about the Irish people and the depths of their generosity. But the terrible reality remains, most of us are impacted by suicide, directly or indirectly. So, the funds raised will provide vital support for families all over the country.

Working clinically with a family bereaved by suicide can be very difficult work. I often talk with children who are trying to make sense of what happened to their parent. So much stigma is present in their narrative about what has happened. Much of what we hear about suicide is incorrect, and damaging to the minds left dealing with the aftermath.

We have to be more careful about what we say about suicide. I often hear children talk about how they can’t believe how ‘selfish’ their dad/mom was to leave them like that. The anger they feel is destroying them, they can’t reconcile the fact that the person they loved so completely could do such a thing. It is incomprehensible to them and language fails to articulate those conflicted destructive emotions. The pain in those conversations is absolute.

When I reframe their understanding of suicide I can visibly see the relief, the weight being lifted from their shoulders. I can see them beginning to think, ‘maybe dad/mom didn’t leave me’; ‘maybe they did love me’, and ‘maybe this was something else’.

The idea that the person who died by suicide was ‘selfish’ is an incredibly egregious one, and causes so much pain for the family. I had a conversation recently with a young teenage boy whose father died last year. He had very complicated emotions but one of the strongest was the feeling that his father abandoned him.

I explained that there is much evidence from people who have survived their attempted suicide to explain what someone thinks before they attempt such a thing. I explained that in all cases the evidence would show that they are not thinking about leaving their family or children. They are trying to stop the thing that is troubling them so significantly. 

They are so determined to stop whatever it is they find so impossible to live with that they don’t fully consider they are leaving everything. They are certainly not thinking about leaving their children, because if that thought was there they might not be able to go through with it.

It was an incredibly tender moment. He broke down and said: “So do you think my dad loved me?”

None of us are immune to suicide, it can touch any of us at any time. So we have to develop a healthy discourse on this difficult topic so that those trying to build their life again are not also struggling with stigma.

We must also improve how we talk to our children about suicide. Parents can feel apprehensive and out of their depth on this issue. Which is understandable. They fear that by mentioning the topic they might put the thought in their child’s head. This is not the case. If a child is not having suicidal thoughts and you ask them about it this will not cause them to consider it.

If we feel our child is experiencing suicidal ideation or a psychological disturbance it is important that we try to get them to talk about what is going on in their head. Silence is the breeding ground of terrible thoughts. Silence feeds the seeds of negative self-talk. So you must talk to your child but there are ways to do it without going straight into talk of suicide.

I often attempt to hear a teenager's worldview. I might ask them, ‘what do you think about life?’ or ‘where are you most happy?’ or ‘what do your very negative thoughts say to you?’ and if I’m still unsure how they feel about life I might be more direct and ask, ‘have you ever thought about ending your life?’. This direct question is often met with a huge surge of emotional release as the teenager finally tells someone the terrible thoughts they have been having.

Talking is crucial. But we have to also be very careful how we talk about a teenager or young adult who has died by suicide. The tendency can be to over-romanticise the loss. This is a dangerous narrative to develop, because if someone else is feeling vulnerable and they see the attention that suicide receives it can become appealing.

Suicide is a difficult topic to talk about. But when we notice our child has started to talk more negatively or redraw from their friends a simple, open, conversation might just be thing your child is craving. That certainly has been my experience, working with teenagers.