How to win an argument: Mean what you say, but don't say it mean
Dealing with disagreements can be difficult, but there are tips and tricks to help you to argue effectively.Â
The only way to win an argument is to avoid it.
Well, that's according to Dale Carnegie â and his self-help book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, has sold more than 30 million copies so he might just have a point.
But sometimes it's tricky to avoid conflict. Especially now that we're all back in closer quarters with a nationwide lockdown. It can feel like it's impossible to avoid things building up into an argument.
In America, you have a self-professed 'stable genius', US President Donald Trump, involved in online spats as well as organised presidential debates which have descended into a spectacle of indignity. The figureheads of that countryâs establishment politics have succumbed to ongoing pressure for a stand-off, rather than discussing the real issues affecting their country.
And 'next door', the cultural and social divides at the heart of Brexit have turned systemic issues and resulting social imbalances into domestic theatre at times.Â
Some might argue this is the nature of the beast, as attention becomes an increasingly-valuable commodity amid a fracturing social, cultural, media and political landscape. No wonder, then, that some of us are wondering how to negotiate a widening array of differences in our own lives on the everyday level â between us and our family members, our workmates, our neighbours and people in our communities.
Contention is tough, especially if itâs between people or parties in close physical or social proximity, or over personal matters, and even more so in a climate where disagreement has been amplified by the ongoing feedback loop of a coarsened broader discourse.
âConflict arises when difference emerges, and it becomes a point of tension, a contraction or stiffness between parties, and everybody really wants to be right.â, says counselling psychotherapist, Lisa OâHara, a specialist in relationships.
âBut if youâre 100% right, then the other person is 100% wrong. Youâre sort of edging into shame. Itâs the densest form of fear, so people will naturally defend themselves," she says.
"What I often see in my work is we often jump into defending when we feel attacked,â relates psychology lecturer and relationship coach, Annie Lavin.
âBoth parties need to understand that when they move into that position of defence, theyâre not able to listen.
âSo if both parties could understand or bring their objective, to create the capacity to listen, that would make for a really good first step.
âIf you come to any disagreement with the energy of hearing the personâs complaint, and it not being personal, thatâs the most amazing starting point, but itâs very difficult to do that.âÂ
When discussing the behaviours that initially emerge in disagreement, or indeed resurface in ongoing differences, OâHara makes reference to a long-standing metaphor in relationship therapy, coined by Seattle psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
The Four Horsemen, a reference to the Biblical bearers of end-times, are traits to look for and try to address when disagreement occurs, at the risk of further ruptures in a relationship or partnership.
- âCriticism: using words like âyou alwaysâ, or âyou neverâ, which causes the other party to look for examples of their past behaviour, and stop listening.
- âContempt: coming from long-term relationships, and stemmed in long-standing, negative beliefs, and designed to make the other person feel small. Eye-rolling and name-calling can be a feature here.
- âDefensiveness, as discussed, is that behaviour that sets out to set the other person at fault, or wrong.
- âThe last one is stonewalling: a withdrawal, a tuning out, or a physical leaving; an instinct where the person gets out of where theyâre at, to engage with their head again.âÂ
It can be hard not to get sucked into immediate tensions at a point of disagreement, especially within long-running relationships or working partnerships, where it tends more often than not to feel quite personal because of the nature of those connections.
Taking the time to look at the overall picture, bringing facts and your own experience to the discussion, and checking in with yourself are key to keeping your cool.
âI think a good thing to remember is to slow things down, and to fact-check, so youâre still in that position where youâre trying to understand,â says Lavin.
âItâs almost like allowing the other party to share what it is theyâre disgruntled with. So, for communication to be effective, each party needs to be heard, so continue to understand and stay with it.
You might feel agitated inside, but itâs important for you to self-soothe. When you feel âfloodedâ, thatâs your indicator that you need to breathe, centre yourself, and to remind yourself that this isnât personal, and maybe repeat that to yourself.âÂ
âIf youâre interrupting, youâre giving a signal of having stopped listening,â adds OâHara.
âGive them space to have the meaning of what it is that theyâre holding: not to defend, disagree, or attack, which is difficult, because physiologically, during conflict, our bodies are producing adrenaline.
âWhen I work with a client, Iâm always looking to see how they are physiologically: is their breath very shallow? Are they fighting for their breath, are they a little bit frozen?
âBreath is the first point of support in the body, itâs the thing thatâs going to help you the most, because when you feel like youâre losing your head, your breath becomes the most important thing.
âYou need to make sure the ground under you is as solid as it gets: you will really need to breathe, you will need to feel heard, and to try and find something in what the other person is saying that is valid.
Of course, this is much easier said than done on the best of occasions. But if there is some element of your own truth in what the other person is saying, thatâs as good a place to set about reaching common ground as any.
Says OâHara: âYou may not agree with all of it, but if you see one thing in the other personâs argument, draw on that, because immediately, youâre engaging with the other. Youâre coming a little bit closer, they can hear something, and they too are more likely to engage.
âI think itâs when the person hears that theyâve been understood, thatâs what really knocks defences, feeling that theyâve been listened to,â adds Lavin.
âIf your fact-checking is accurate, if youâve done a good job of listening, like a good therapist, you should reflect back what the person has said, or take a guess at how theyâre feeling, if they havenât used a feeling word.âÂ
Thatâs not to say you shouldnât bring your side of the argument to the discussion if youâre both at a place of agreement on one point.
Lavin discusses the importance of keeping that cool head while setting out your stall, and for recognising any wrongs done or said on your part, either in the past, or in the heat of the moment.
âFocus on the goal. Keep the conversation centred around the mutual benefit, or the sticking point. Stick with feelings or facts, and really importantly, donât try to sling mud, or apportion blame, you know, something that that first Trump-Biden debate was all about, with personal information. Stick with the facts, and why youâre in this disagreement.
âIdentify and take responsibility for your part, and apologise, for hurt caused to the other person, just apologise. That statement of âI didnât mean toâ, thatâs not helpful. Itâs like, âI hurt you, youâre hurt, itâs now my responsibility to apologise.ââÂ
Once youâve done all you can do, there are really two broad outcomes to any disagreement that can come about healthily: the first is compromise, where both parties have examined their values, their bare minimums, and what itâll take for them to function in the relationship, before reaching that common ground from which to proceed.
âTo reach a compromise, you have to have a feeling of not having every need of yours met, but asking yourself what your dealbreakers are,â says Lavin.
âHave an idea going into it what you want, but have an idea of what youâre comfortable with letting go of, considering your relationship with this person, and the mutuality of it. Itâs compromise â can we negotiate here so that our minimums are met, so that both parties feel a level of satisfaction, or close it?â
Adds OâHara: âIt depends on your definition of compromise, and if your relationship can accommodate difference, like in times of grief or stress, when different personalities really emerge, and then it becomes about right and wrong.
âWhen thereâs the presence of compassion, you can stay out of shame and judgment, but the connection is in compassion, which might sound a bit therapy-ish.âÂ
Of course, the other outcome is a bit more finite than the above, and while it might be painful in the short-term, it might simply sometimes be better in the overall picture to look at the difference in question as being irreconcilable, and proceeding as such, whatever form that takes.
âThe honest part is staying where you are about this - âI donât know how to fix this between us, I donât want to be fighting with you, but we are different on thisâ,â says OâHara.
âDifferences donât end relationships â the glue is what you have in common. If youâre disagreeing about everything, thatâs when you question the connection. Look at things in an overall context â âis this how we are about everything? Or is it just these few things?â.
âAnd fundamentally â do they clash with values? If you have shared values, you can weather a lot, and accommodate differences.âÂ
âAgain, not to see it as a personal affront if you canât come to a compromise," concludes Lavin.
âYouâve tried. âIâve understood you and youâve understood meâ. Thereâs so much to take from that: I think conflict is not just a catalyst for understanding, itâs a vehicle for personal growth.âÂ
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