Alison Curtis: Moving away from mother's guilt

As long as our kids are loved, we are doing a great job. 

I wish that we had a much bigger table as our tiny one was forced to be used as a classroom, office, and dining space during the height of lockdown. File picture

I think it is safe to say that during lockdown we have all had a bit more space to think. In some cases maybe overthink things and in other cases many of us have gained clarity on a lot of issues.

Something that has come up so often for me is the guilt about our living arrangements and how I feel that they are limiting for my daughter. It is simply down to the fact that we have had to spend so much more time, at one point all our time, at home. I keep thinking about my own childhood and the space we occupied while growing up.

I was born and raised in a city in Ontario Canada called Kingston. It is a historic university city and we grew up in a house that was nearly 4000 sq ft with 7 bedrooms for the 4 of us! We also had a tonne of space outside with big lawns at the front and back of the house. However, this was the 80s in Canada and even all this was affordable with one salary coming into the house.

We also were gifted an old farmhouse, which I have written about lots in this column, from my grandparents. The house is on acres and acres of land that my sister and I spent all our days exploring. It is also along a lake so summers were spent almost entirely in the water.

When I compare this to Joan’s life I do honestly get a pang of sadness. We are living in a pretty modest house with very little outdoor space in a row of houses. Yes, we are in an amazing close-knit neighbourhood in Dublin city centre but it was during lockdown I realised just how much I miss space. Both indoors and out.

We are on top of each other in the house and I wish for her sake she had a playroom or more space in her own room for a desk. Or that we had a much bigger table as our tiny one was forced to be used as a classroom, office, and dining space during the height of lockdown.

I wish I could just open my front door to a wide-open green space that Joan could dart out of and run free. Instead of the constant worry of traffic or lack of clear space for her to cycle independently.

I really am not materialistic in the slightest. In fact, I would call myself a minimalist and would be quietly happy if we had one bowl, spoon, and sweater each! It is not things that I crave for Joan and us as a family, it is space.

When I talk about my own childhood and the houses we called home, my close friends keep reminding me that I cannot compare modern day living in a European capital with a relatively small city in a totally different time economically.

They remind me that of course Joan is happy and this is her home and she loves it. She is not missing out on things she has not experienced first hand herself.

Often I have to pull myself out of the guilt and give myself a good talking to. My daughter is so loved and we have a safe and happy home. As well, Joan has so many experiences exploring this wonderful country because I am always on the hunt for green spaces and stunning outdoor places to take her.

Yes, we have to hop into a car to do this and it is not a case of just opening the front door but the end result is she still has time and space to roam in the wild and have a ball doing it.

Guilt is so common in all of us as parents but I have come to realise doing lockdown that it is utterly useless. Move away from it as quickly as you can and remind yourself that we are living in such extraordinary times and we are doing the best we can raising our kids. 

As long as they are loved we are doing a great job.