Suzanne Harrington: I’ll enjoy my holiday — even if it kills me

"Having spent several insomniac 4ams doing mental Tetris packing inside my head — as dull as it sounds — I reluctantly realise I’ll have to do something I’ve never done before. I’ll have to pay for check-in luggage."

Suzanne Harrington. Pic: Andrew Dunsmore

As Ireland loses its mind over temperatures nudging 30 degrees — Heat surge! Flash drought! Sun bomb! Solar apocalypse! — the south of France shrugs languidly and drawls, “hold my bière”.

While les pale Irelandais are freaking out as we drown ourselves in factor 50, panic-drink water, and make our alabaster children wear rash vests even indoors, the French will soon be abandoning their northern cities and migrating south.