Colm O'Regan: Why can't I get ketchup in cool cafes anymore? 

I feel like there is some huge battle in the culture wars that I am unaware of. I’m not looking to increase the world’s supply of single use sachets. The ketchup bottle that a thousand people have touched is fine by me.

Comedian and Irish Examiner columnist Colm O'Regan pictured in Cork. Picture Denis Minihane.

There was another ketchup incident this week. I don’t mean that I spilled some ketchup on myself. That happens every week. (It’s one of the many reasons I’m not a TV star. I admire those who are. How can they regularly lay their hands on a jumper that doesn’t have ketchup stains on it?)

No, I was in one of those eggs-benedicty cafes for breakfast. The menu had a lot of words about where the sausages and rashers came from. Lots of things seemed to be made out of pallets. The waiter asked me, “What’ll it be?” as if I could predict the future. A man next to me was ordering and said “Can I do the scrambled eggs”. The pervert.