Colm O'Regan: Here are my month-by month predictions for 2024

I hereby declare this new folder on my laptop called '2024' open! As usual for such a momentous occasion, we celebrate with the least imaginative of columns — Alternative Predictions for 2024

Colm O'Regan predicts that the reality show you didn’t know you wanted starts in February with Dancing With Ireland’s Fittest Families. Picture: Denis Minihane.

January: After a mild Christmas, there is a frost start to 2024. A record number of people turn to each other and say “we could do with a bit of global warming now Hah?” They then go onto the Ireland Shur Wasn’t It Grand Altogether Facebook page, under a photo showing traffic congestion from the 60s, write a comment blaming Eamonn Ryan for the fact that busses used to be a nicer colour of orange. They are silent later in the year during Storm Aoieadhradh which blows a walrus from the zoo into Clery’s.

February: The reality show you didn’t know you wanted starts with Dancing With Ireland’s Fittest Families. A team of celebs must dance awkwardly with their own families each week on a three-hour Sunday evening show. Highlights include Davey Fitzgerald roaring encouragement as The Wan From Fair City tries to get her father onto the floor for ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ at a wedding. They are disqualified as he does a bit of a jive but is actually en route to the bar.