Colm O'Regan: Here are my month-by month predictions for 2024

I hereby declare this new folder on my laptop called '2024' open! As usual for such a momentous occasion, we celebrate with the least imaginative of columns — Alternative Predictions for 2024

Colm O'Regan predicts that the reality show you didn’t know you wanted starts in February with Dancing With Ireland’s Fittest Families. Picture: Denis Minihane.

January: After a mild Christmas, there is a frost start to 2024. A record number of people turn to each other and say “we could do with a bit of global warming now Hah?” They then go onto the Ireland Shur Wasn’t It Grand Altogether Facebook page, under a photo showing traffic congestion from the 60s, write a comment blaming Eamonn Ryan for the fact that busses used to be a nicer colour of orange. They are silent later in the year during Storm Aoieadhradh which blows a walrus from the zoo into Clery’s.

February: The reality show you didn’t know you wanted starts with Dancing With Ireland’s Fittest Families. A team of celebs must dance awkwardly with their own families each week on a three-hour Sunday evening show. Highlights include Davey Fitzgerald roaring encouragement as The Wan From Fair City tries to get her father onto the floor for ‘Build Me Up Buttercup’ at a wedding. They are disqualified as he does a bit of a jive but is actually en route to the bar.

March 17: St Patrick’s Day is marred by far-right protests about preserving Irish identity. Gardaí manage to contain the trouble by tempting many of the patriots away from the scene using Nike Air Max runners tied to a string.

The Liam MacCarthy and The Sam Maguire Cups. Picture: Piaras Ó Mídheach/Sportsfile

April: Further changes mean the GAA Championship season is now over before it begins and the league games will be done in alphabetical order. The back door is discontinued although there will be a side-door and a patio-door. The defensive mark is abolished. You can now double hop the ball on Saturdays. JP McManus writes a cheque. Everything is fine.

May: Are they having a mid-term already? Aren’t they just back from the Easter holidays for feck sake?

June: An event to mark the 10th anniversary of the launching of the Cork Convention Centre project is delayed by the ceremonial lodging of an objection followed by an announcement of an inquiry.

July: The Olympics kicks off in Paris. Irish medal hopes lie in boxing, rowing, gymnastics, and track and field. Irish parents’ hopes rest on whatever sport has the least amount of gear and is the nearest to the house.

August: The Rose of Tralee makes history as it crowns its first AI winner. Siofra Murtagh, the Cork contestant, is one of the leading AI researchers in the country and becomes the 63rd Rose. This is despite drama during her party piece when the sire bull, ‘Ballycarroll Leaping Lord’ breaks out of the pen and runs amok in the Dome.

How did Bosco fund those lavish trips to the zoo?

September: The launch of RTÉ’s new season is marred as further evidence of financial issues emerge. A substantial slush fund is found behind Bosco’s magic door. The money was apparently used to fund lavish trips to the zoo and on one occasion, a sausage factory.

October: The surprise hit of the new TV season is Cheap Irish Homes (For a Reason) in association with the Criminal Assets Bureau. We are shown around some of the cheapest houses confiscated from Ireland’s organised crime community. In a twist, the former owners are employed as design consultants and involved in a lot of preliminary groundworks often working in the middle of the night.

November: Elon Musk pulls Twitter out of Europe. Europeans talk to their friends again.

December: After a play-off, Ireland, under new manager Eileen Gleeson, qualify for Euro 2025.