Suzanne Harrington: Give away your billions Charles, that's sustainable

"Walkers are doing King Prawn Cocktail and Regal Lamb & Mint – let them eat crisps – while one of Charles’ estates, Highgrove, is doing Fortnum & Mason Queen Consort Honey – yes, Camilla honey, no laughing at the back – for £40 a jar."

King Charles III inspecting the Officer Cadets on parade during the 200th Sovereign's Parade at the Royal Military Academy Sandhurst (RMAS) in Camberley. Pic: Dan Kitwood/PA Wire

Big up to our recently bereaved president – RIP beautiful Bród – who is graciously attending the next-door neighbour’s Big Do on Saturday. Pomp and flummery on a cartoon scale awaits our elected head of state, who will witness an actual crown being placed on the actual head of an unelected rich guy, now, in 2023. We – the ones with UK addresses - are expected to joyfully collude in this medieval cosplay.

Well, not quite everyone. There are protests planned in Wales and most of Scotland will be washing their hair, but here in England, the supermarkets are overflowing with plastic Union Jack bunting, plastic Union Jack bowler hats, and plastic Union Jack crowns. Media and retail units have been trying very hard to generate a Coronation frenzy, to distract the poor from crying in foodbanks while being evicted from mouldy flats, and for those who can still afford to cook dinner and live indoors, to stir up some kind of 19th-century imperialist muscle memory. God save the King.