Colm O'Regan: Cycling up St Patrick's Hill in Cork — even Lance Armstrong couldn't do it

Irish Examiner columnist, writer and comedian Colm O'Regan

I’m blaming the Yaris. The car was parked at the corner of Hardwicke Street and St Patrick’s Hill. Someone was having a think at the corner and took away
whatever momentum I had and THAT is the only reason why I was unable to cycle all the way up St Patrick’s Hill.

I studied geography for the Leaving Cert so I’m qualified to say this: It’s some hill; like cycling up the ramp of a cattle lorry. I was down to 1&1 on the gears but eventually about three-quarters of the way up, I just couldn’t go any further.

Also, I had the feeling that I was going to go backwards and fall off the world. Imagine living on Patrick’s Hill! You could have a door at street- level on one end of the gaff, and by the time you got to the downhill end, there would be room to park a combine harvester underneath it.

Apparently, it’s a 25% gradient. That’s practically a set square. 

How do people walk down it every day without their toenails coming out through their shoes?

CLIMATE & SUSTAINABILITY HUB

I watched YouTubes of the cycling races that came through Cork - the ones that had to go up Patrick’s Hill twice. There’s footage of a 2009 race in the rain. Lance Armstrong got off his bike.

There’s also a fella running through in bra and knickers. And all I can say is: How would you do it and not be on drugs? (cycling or bra and knickers).

There just aren’t hills like that in Dublin. Not until you get to the mountains anyway. In Cork, the mountains moved closer to the city centre to be nearer to their Nana’s house when she got old.

I’d never attempted to cycle it before. And even more shamefully, I’d never actually cycled in Cork city. I just didn’t have a bike here.

Like too many Irish adults, there was a gap in my cycling CV. I got plenty of crossers down Friar’s Walk, but never under my own steam. Just someone else’s...er...steam.

I watched YouTubes of the cycling races that came through Cork - the ones that had to go up Patrick’s Hill twice. There’s footage of a 2009 race in the rain. Lance Armstrong got off his bike.

I came down on the train from Dublin with my bike like some sort of European person. It was free to bring it.

I’m almost loath to recommend it because the train isn’t exactly coming down with bicycle spaces. Nor is it coming down with tea.

You can’t so much as get a thimble of water on the trains in Ireland at the moment. Irish Rail says they need to put tea-making “out to tender”. I would say put the fecking thing out to TINDER if it gets it done faster. Never mind Dublin Airports -call in the army to make tea on the train - because that’s a constitutional crisis.

Apart from the hills, in other ways cycling in Cork and Dublin is exactly the same. There is that ooh of surprise at encountering an actual on-purpose cycle-lane and then the raised eye-brow when one just ..ends. In a wall or a barrier or a portal into another dimension.

Some cycle lanes in Ireland are a bit like trousers that start from the knees down. Technically, you can wear them, but functionally, it’s best to assume there are no trousers.

But I appreciated it where I saw it. I wasn’t there long enough to know if drivers are fundamentally less angry than they are in Dublin. Light crashing with impunity by motorists and cyclists seems to be the same since the Guards stopped enforcing it.

But it’s a compact city centre for cycling. You can get anywhere so quickly. I got to Ballyphehane from Shandon in 12 minutes. From there, to the start of the Lee Fields in another 11 minutes. Back into town in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

The next step will be someday soon. Pedal to Dripsey from town.

The cycle continues.