Colm O'Regan: 'When will time end Daddy?' Kids these days, eh?

Colm O'Regan gets caught up in mathematical existentialism putting the kids to bed

Bedtime for children. In theory a time to unwind. In reality a time when children acquire a sudden hunger and a deep deep thirst, but also, some of the deepest questions they can come up with. Anything to prolong bedtime. Like a benign version of 1001 Arabian Nights. They become Scheherazade but I’m telling the story.

“Daddyyyyyyy.” The elongated yyy means the Eldest is already a few steps ahead of me. She’s given it some thought.

“How come when I look at the light with my eyes closed it’s pink?” That’s easy enough.
“Because your eye lids are thin and the light is passing through them so it shows the colour of them on the inside.” (Easy to answer, I’m not saying easy to get right).

But I couldn’t just leave it alone. No, Poindexter here had to add “But you shouldn’t look at the sun with your eyes closed. It’s bad for them” She was onto that straight away. Asking why, what would happen. “Eh…the sun would just damage your eyes.” My knowledge of ultraviolet light and burnt corneas was rapidly running out. I couldn’t stop myself. “The sun is very strong. Even though it’s ninety-three million miles away.” WHAT? WHY DID I HAVE TO SAY THAT FOR? It just popped into my head from primary school. It’s the first big number you remember knowing.

Unfortunately, it started a long discussion abut the nature of a million, and when do numbers stop and what is the largest number ever and once I’d gone past a quintillion, I had to resort to Wikipedia. By the way, just in case you’re ever asked, the largest number with a name is a ‘googolplex’. 

A googol is 10 with 100 zeroes after it. (which is more than the number of atoms in the universe). A googolplex is 10 with a googol zeroes after it.

“Can I count to that Daddy?” “No, it would take until the end of time.” That seemed final. “Now will let’s get ye into yere pyjamas.”

“When will time end Daddy?” Just when I thought I was out they pull me back in. “Long after we’re all gone and the sun and the universe and everything.” “How will the sun die?” “Eh… it’ll run out of fuel.” “When will that happen?” “In about five billion years” I’m leaning heavily on Google now. (the other one). ”When was the Big Bang happen?” WHO IS FEEDING HER THIS PAGAN NONSENSE.. “Ahmm about 14 billlion years ago.” “How did it happen?”

The thing about all of this is that I’m furiously researching on the fly the answers to these. And I’m learning along the way. Apparently, they’ve worked out that if Einstein is correct and a few other bits and bobs match up, the universe started in an area roughly the size of a human. Now I know a few people who think they’re the centre of the universe but now to be fair, it’s technically possible.

My wife takes over for phase two which somehow has morphed -we’re not sure how- into an inquiry into what happened the Neanderthals. Unfortunately, there are a number of competing theories on the internet some of which involve the kind of storylines you’re not going to see on Daniel Tiger’s Neighbourhood so we have to brush over some of those possibilities and focus on how maybe they moved away.

But none of these are questions I might have asked myself. Certainly not on a Wednesday evening while trying to load the washing machine. And it’s kind of invigorating as well as tiring. To be living with someone who just wants to fill their brain with knowledge. Maybe I might try it too sometimes.