Louise O'Neill: Getting past New Year's resolutions, and taking it one day at a time

Picture: Miki Barlok

New Year’s Day is a funny one for me. I remember all those years, waking up on January 1, and promising myself that things would be different this time. This day, this week, this year.

I would be different. I would be better. This was the beginning of my new life. It never lasted for very long, of course. I would quickly find myself caught up with the same thoughts, struggling with the same behaviours, because I was still me. 

I didn’t magically become another person when the clock struck midnight, as much as I wished I would. 

There’s a reason why the third Monday in January has been dubbed Blue Monday – that’s the day when most of us have broken our New Year’s Resolutions, and we begin to suspect this won’t be the year we become the fittest, healthiest versions of ourselves after all.

That’s probably why I find the rhetoric around New Year’s so disheartening. It feels punitive, and like it’s setting people up to fail. But while I dislike the ‘New Year, New You!’ messaging (what’s wrong with the Old You?), I also realise that many readers will be struggling with issues that are causing them a huge amount of pain. 

If you’re an addict or just have a habit/behaviour which is harming your physical or mental health, it’s natural to hope that 2022 will bring you peace. Having been in recovery for four and a half years, I think I’m in a good position to offer advice to help with that.

1. The key is small, achievable goals. Too many people set themselves impossible targets – I’m going to hit the gym for an hour six days a week! I’m going to lose two stone in a month! Then, when we inevitably fail, we feel immense shame. What would be more helpful would be to make incremental changes, adjusting your goals as you progress. For example – if you decide to attend one spin class a week in January, you could always adjust to two a week in February. Slowly but surely wins the race.

2. Re-frame the way you talk about your new habits. Once I stopped associating exercise with weight loss but rather with managing my anxiety, it became a lot more difficult to skip class because I knew how much better I would feel afterwards. What if you frame your fitness journey this year in terms of what your body can do – how many push ups can you do? Which kettlebells can you lift? – rather in terms of a number on a scale?

3. There’s a reason why ‘One Day at a Time’ is a core tenant in the twelve step programmes. When we think in terms of ‘forever’, often we cannot conceive of a life without smoking or drinking or drugs, and we panic. The very concept of abstinence is enough to drive most of us to our old habits. Instead, bring it back to what you can do in this moment. Today, I choose not to drink. Today, I choose not to binge-eat.

That is enough for right now.

4. But remember, change can only happen if we choose it today. When addiction has you in its grasp, it will lie to you over and over again. It will tell you that tomorrow is a better time to start, that you need to wait until you feel ‘ready’, until the circumstances are ‘perfect’.

Let me tell you now – you will never feel ready to let this go. The behaviour must change before the thoughts can heal, not the other way around. Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today.

5. When you are creating new habits, they won’t feel natural in the beginning. It takes time. When I was first in recovery, I struggled with self-loathing whenever I sat down to eat a meal. It took a lot of conscious self-talk – reminding myself that my body deserved to be nourished, I was prioritising my health, and I was safe. I had to do this, hundreds if not thousands of times, every single day. When an eating disorder fear would arise, I had to challenge it. This was often tiring and at times, I felt like it would be easier to just give in. It might have been easier in the moment but ultimately, it would have been self-destructive. There is peace and ease at the other side of addiction, but you have to push through the discomfort to get there.

6. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. The reason why many of us fail in our attempts to recover is because we’re determined to do it alone. The greatest indication of success is having an effective support system around you. Whether that’s a therapist or a support group (or even asking a loved one to help you if you want to give up cigarettes or overspending), encouragement and accountability is vital.

7. Lastly, believe in the power of change. It doesn’t matter how long you have been struggling. I had an eating disorder for almost twenty years and I managed to fully recover. It is not easy but it is possible and it is worth it. You are worth it. And while you might hope 2022 will bring a New You, what I have found is that in recovery I became more of who I really was, not less, and that was okay. I wish the same for you.