Alison Curtis: Loosening up on the invisible string

Pic: Marc O'Sullivan

Over the summer, Joan has asked more and more about going places on her own: To the shops, to a friend’s, or for a walk. I have always resisted and have got about as far as letting her ride her bike around the green in front of our house.

However, a few weeks ago she was being looked after by a pal, who kindly called and asked if I was comfortable with Joan and her daughter going to the shops on their own.

I wanted to say that I wasn’t, but then I stopped and said, “Sure, no problem.”

Many of Joan’s classmates have been walking to places on their own over the past year. A few of them walk to school on their own and many of them have been given pocket money to run to the local shop.

The fact that Joan has been on playdates and that the parents of her friends are ringing to check if I am fine with her doing the same as their own children is a telling sign that I might be that last one, that last parent holding that invisible string a little too tight.

I do worry: I worry a lot. I worry she might get lost (not likely), someone might approach her, she might hurt herself: All sorts of things run through my mind.

I am a little embarrassed to admit that it has only been in the last year that I have been comfortable with her disappearing down another aisle in the shopping centre or even knowing that she has moved a few aisles away! That and leaving her in the car while I ran an errand were my first steps towards allowing her to go places alone.

This, however, is on me and me only. It is in my head. It is not a reflection of Joan or her abilities. She is only going to become as capable as I support her to become.

She will only learn to pay for something, ask for something, pick up things on a list, or find her way from A to B if I let her go off and do all those things.

But that string seems to be firmly in my grasp. I hold it so tightly, but now that she is 10, I think I have to push myself to examine why this might be and to address it.

I think I have to start by trusting Joan. Trusting that she can do things, that she has life skills and she can manage without me. There was a perfect example a few weeks ago: I gave her my pin code to a bank card to run into a shop for me. 

I could see through the window that tapping the card didn’t work. I thought she might ‘give up’ or come to get me, but she put the card in and punched the right code.

She also recently asked to run around to a friend’s house to drop off a book. I hesitated, but let her go. She was back within five minutes, the book delivered and all fine.

Her sense of independence grew, which is only a positive.

I also have to trust in other people: That the person behind the till will be kind or that someone will help her if she needs it.

Plus, I know Joan is a great communicator, so I need to stop stepping in and, instead, let her manage situations herself.

But most of all I must trust in our parenting: That we have taught her to problem solve, that we have taught her to use her own judgement.

That invisible string will be in my hand for a good few years to come, but I also know I have to loosen it.

I have to pick the situations that I am comfortable with and those that build resilience and independence in Joan, to help her grow into a confident adult.