Alison Curtis: Helping our kids use their voices for good

"A smile, a compliment or a reassuring comment can be really impactful."

Something I have talked a lot about lately with my daughter Joan is the power of words. How language can impact people in both good and bad ways.

She has always been a very kind and gentle child and as she grows that kindness and empathy can more and more be expressed with words as well as actions.

How we speak to people and what we say to them can literally separate a good day from a bad day in so many cases.

A smile, a compliment or a reassuring comment can be really impactful.

On the flipside, comments can obviously be upsetting and really hurtful.

It is a two-pronged approach I have been talking to Joan about lately. I have been encouraging her to take opportunities to pay someone a compliment or to build a friend up. I have been talking to her about how to let negative interactions go or in some cases to challenge the comment.

I think being an only child means Joan isn’t sure about conflict or really has the necessary skills to negotiate through it as she mainly has to reach agreements with her parents and not siblings. As a result, I find when kids say certain things to her she either gets upset by them or takes them the wrong way.

I have been picking this apart for her and trying to get her to see that often the case is she took the comment the wrong way or that the other child was just teasing. I’ve also been trying to equip her with the tools to challenge mean comments.

Ages ago I read an article on teaching our children to respond with “what did you mean by that?” as a powerful comeback to hurtful language and it really stuck with me. 

It forces the other person to examine what they are saying and at the very least can result in an apology,

Joan has applied this a few times and I can see her growing in confidence in negotiating tricky exchanges as a result.

She has also told me more and more lately when she has complimented a friend on something or at school when she consoles a pal about a test result in class. I can tell she feels good about it and empowered by it too.

I want her to learn how to use language for the better. I want her to help herself and others through conversation as she is growing up and learning.

Together we have watched a few powerful speeches made by remarkable women. We watched Amanda Gorman together and I have shown her clips of Kamala Harris. I think it is so important that as an extension of teaching kindness to our children that we show language in all its expressive glory.

I want Joan to be equipped with alternatives to what I had growing up. as things have evolved since then One clear example is she has an understanding of the significance of pronouns and respecting those, which is something that wasn’t even part of the conversation when I was young.

We are discussing what inclusive language means and how it can show support for marginalised groups. I know I have written before a few times in the column about teaching our children allyship and being an up-stander. Much of which is based on the language we choose to use as well as our actions.

It is a long process but an important one. All children should know the power of words and how to use their voice for good.