Alison Curtis: Taking stock of my parenting style after routine returns

Alison Curtis asks if she can be a better parent to her daughter, Joan

Alison Curtis 

This past year has posed so many challenges for parents. We have been tested on multiple fronts, and I think for most of us we have adopted an attitude of just getting through each day was considered enough.

If the kids had ham sandwiches for all their meals, and went to bed in one piece, it was a successful day. If they had four hours on an iPad, we were thinking, so what? 

Gone was the worry that they got even one of their five a day into them or any pride that they had zero screen time. We were basically all just trying to survive.

As parents, we were expected to hold down jobs and be productive professionally while minding and educating our children. It is a lot to ask of anyone to do day in and day out without any break.

In the last week, I have been trying to raise my standards again for myself as a parent. Now that we are back into something of a routine and I have a few hours each day to focus on work without interruption, I am looking at how I am parenting.

In short, could I be doing things better? The answer is yes.

Could I be more patient? Absolutely. Throughout lockdown and across the summer I had very little time that wasn’t spent with my daughter, Joan. 

And, like all relationships, that put a strain on ours. We both found each other snapping more easily and, in some instances, I could hear my sentiments being echoed by Joan.

So now I need to take the time I have when she is in school to recharge properly. To do some of the things I like doing, to not be answering endless questions and to basically sometimes just sit in silence.

I need to use this time wisely so I am better able to cope as a parent. That I can rely on having patience when I need to or to have the energy to play and be silly with Joan.

Could I communicate better? Again the answer is yes. I have forgotten at times during lockdown that Joan isn’t an adult. She is only 9. That she, of course, doesn’t understand things the way I do as her mom, and I need to look at how I communicate my requests, concerns or thoughts.

I found myself saying “never mind” a lot simply because I was exhausted. I need to move away from that now, and take the time to explain things properly and to generate open conversations with Joan whereby hopefully she takes something positive away, or a greater understanding of what it is she is curious about.

I also need to stop with negative talk. By this I mean when she loses something I shouldn’t jump to get mad instead I need to explain calmly that she is old enough now to be responsible for her own belongings and to be able to look after them.

Or when she gets upset about something, I should really be trying to say helpful and empathetic things instead of simply saying “stop” or “you shouldn’t be that upset about x,y or z.” 

Those were short cuts, so to speak, during tense lockdown days but in the long run, as an approach, it solves very little.

Instead, I am making a bigger effort with my praise. I am focusing on the things she is doing that are good, of which there are many and making a point to compliment and reinforce positive behaviours. This is something I always did but let slide some days in recent months.

It's been a tough and surreal year, and we have to cut ourselves some slack of course, but I am glad to be taking this time to reexamine things and to get myself back on track!