Denis Lehane: Dreams of Tom Cruise at Cork Summer Show
Our Denis reckons he's just like Tom Cruise, except for the fancy molars. Picture: Bryan Bedder/Getty Images
On my farm here, I do all my own stunts.
Now I know you'd never believe it, but I'm like Tom Cruise really - only without the hullabaloo and the hair. I tumble over empty oil drums, I fall off ladders... I'm just like Tom Cruise in a thousand ways, except for the fancy molars.
Anyhow, I saw the other day that auld Tom has a new movie out. He calls it . It's a sequel. I went to see it in Ballincollig the other night with my daughter Sarah.
Sarah is the biggest Tom Cruise fan in the townland, if not the parish. Suffice to say, we had a great time. The film went on for three hours, but that was no bother to me, for I had the good fortune to reverse my rear end into one of them VIP cinema seats.
One of them recliner seats that stretches out a tired old cábóg like you wouldn't believe. I suppose it was a class of a La-Z-Boy seat, and I sure was the lazy boy, having spent the day dosing cattle and generally rooting around the farm.
Anyhow, I soon nodded off. I was the first to nod off that night, and no one deserved to snore more than I, for I was the most in need of it. And while I spent most of my time asleep, I did manage to catch glimpses of the film when the sound from the screen overpowered the snores coming from me.
And in fairness to Cruise, the bits I saw were mighty altogether. Tom got out of many scrapes and fell on numerous occasions.
It came as no surprise, then, that Tom Cruise also turned up in my dream. He was the main star, along with myself. My dream had me at the Cork Sumner Show and I going through the trade stands.
In fact, he had perched his tent right alongside the famous Coffey brothers. Tom was in conversation with them when I arrived. The pair were telling him about the trouble they were having in finding a wife and Tom was explaining how he jumped off the Burj Khalifa.
"Finding a wife in rural Ireland is a Mission Impossible," Tom Cruise then says, while grinning for ear to ear.
"You don't know the half of it, Tom," says I.
Tom then told me that his DVDs were selling fast and that he would have to make a new film to keep up with the demand.
He then spoke about the mart trade, the weather and the new pope, before telling me that his next movie would involve the story of a farmer who struggles against the elements, profit margins and farming bureaucrats.
"Another Mission Impossible, so," says I. Tom nodded in agreement, for even in my sleep, Tom was a clever clogs.
Then myself, the Coffey bothers and Tom Cruise went for a few jars into a beer tent. For while Cork Summer Show offers people the opportunity to see all manner of farming life, from cattle to horses, to machinery, when such things are your daily diet already, the few pints can really be the thing you desire.
And there in the beer tent, in the showgrounds, we talked about the old times and the days of Sally O'Brien.
Then, in a flash, the back door of a high-flying plane opened up and Tom Cruise leapt from it into the freezing waters, the way an old ram might plunge into a dipping tank. Tom was back in action, and steering my La-Z-Boy into an upright position, I was back in the movie house.
My dream was over. I was fully awake now and eagerly looking forward to the end of the film and the beginning of the forthcoming, high-octane, Cork Summer Show.
