Returning to the ploughing fields of Ratheniska after a long absence (three years, but who’s counting), must be daunting for some.
Having to be around thousands of people all of a sudden when you spent three years being all on your own could lead to an agricultural meltdown.
Nobody likes to seeing farmers cry, especially me.
So, to ensure all who travel to Laois do so with ease and a smile, and have a great day to boot, I have pieced together some useful tips that are sure to help every traveller.
1. Relax
Treat a return to the ploughing the way you would treat a return to an old girlfriend. Like with the rekindling a romance I understand you are hesitant. It’s been three years after all.
So, tread carefully on the old ground when you first arrive in Laois. Don’t rush in, only fools do that.
And for goodness sake, and speaking of ground, don’t tread over the hallowed ploughing ground (Not before it is judged at least).
Far better for that person to be never born at all.
2 Remember to go to bed early the night before
A good day at the ploughing begins the night before. Don’t be dawdling about the place and reading the newspaper when it’s time for the leaba.
‘Once your prayers are said, get to bed.’ That’s the motto of every good ploughman in Ireland. It should be your motto too. Nobody likes a sleepy head. Especially the person who the head belongs to.
3. Make sure you know the way
It has been three years (has it been that long?) enough time to forget a whole host of things.
I forgot my cap in Castleisland mart one time and I was only there for twenty minutes.
Times change, road layouts change. Hell, you even change yourself.
Get up to date info on the route. Do your homework. Don’t be a fool.
4. Don’t be afraid of people
Most people attending the ploughing this year will be just as scared as you.
We are all afraid of people at this stage, for we don’t know what we might catch from a misguided sneeze or a clammy handshake.
This is understandable.
But look, you are going to have to bite the bullet sometime and it may as well be at the ploughing. It may as well be at the greatest outdoor event in Europe.
I strongly believe the only thing you will catch at the ploughing in 2022 will be the ploughing bug.
And the ploughing bug is no harm at all. In fact it might be good for you.
5. Check out the cattle on view at the ploughing
Remember there’s more to the ploughing than just the ploughing.
After three years of isolation, naturally enough you now believe the cattle at home are mighty creatures second only to the mighty bull, Rosemead Karona.
Well, they are not. You have nothing like Karona.
Don’t be blinded by the stock you have at home. Be blinded instead by the breeds and quality stock you see at the National Ploughing event.
If your mind won’t be blown by the stock on display, I’d go away and get your head examined.
6 Be sure to check out the machinery
A trip to the ploughing isn’t complete without hopping onto a tractor that is too big to even fit into your fields. Machinery has changed alot in three years. Nowadays driverless tractors have become very popular, and the way things are going cattle-less farms will become just as popular if the foot isn’t put down.
And staying on the subject of ‘putting the foot down’ after looking at machinery stands why not call to the stand that proclaims to represent you in the Dail. Ask them do they have any clue at all?
This is an important question to ask because it looks like they don’t have a clue. Or really give a damn about you and me.
It’s important your voice is heard now and they will certainly have to listen to you at the ploughing, because they have no place else to go.
Forget about your driverless tractor, the spectre of the farmerless farm is now looming large on the horizon.
7. The ploughing takes you back to your childhood, never forget that
You surely recall your first visit to the National Ploughing Championships.
You in short pants holding your father’s hand. You seeing nothing only the backsides of 30,000 people.
But then just when all seemed lost, a bank sponsored caravan appears in the distance. The old man is invited in and so are you.
Food and drink is distributed. You sit between two old famers from Mayo chewing on biscuits and drinking orange.
Life you feel doesn’t get much better than this. Well, it doesn’t. This is one of the highlights of your life.
Now that you are a grown-up and in an age when banks hardly have any money to distribute you cannot expect a bacon sandwich and a Pepsi max to be handed to you by a bank manager at the ploughing Championships.
The days of sandwiches and drink being dished out like loaves and fishes is gone.
Remember the good times you had with your father at the ploughing and try and do the same with your own offspring. They won’t forget it. The ploughing event is a mad spot really. A surreal experience for all.
8. Don’t forget to meet Marty Morrissey
(This only really applies to women of course, although men might like to meet him too).
There is no point in going to the ploughing without catching a glimpse of Marty Morrissey.
Like going to Las Vegas without spotting an image of Elvis, or to the Vatican without spotting the Pope, the trip will be in vain without the seeing TV royalty.
Shake his hand tell him you have been a fan with years.
If you fail to meet Marty, look out for his cardboard cut-out. At this stage it’s almost as famous as the man himself.
9 Do resist the pull of the plough
You might think that you have changed since the last time the National ploughing Championships took place in Laois. You have.
You might think that you have become an expert ploughman. You have not.
It’s probably a side effect of the covid. Have yourself checked out. How’s you taste and smell?
Stay well away from the plough unless you know what you are doing.
Leave the ploughing to the experts and just sit back and enjoy their handiwork.
10. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you can survive without going to the ploughing
You might think, three years on, that you have matured and now enjoy other pastimes. Well you haven’t really. You just think you have.
Go on, head on up to Laois. Go and have a blast. You know you want to.
