Denis Lehane: On a farm, no one ever has the time to be bored
If it's hard work that is needed there is no better place to roll up your sleeves than on a sheep farm.
I heard a rumour during the week that Brooklyn Beckham's wife might be bored with him, already.
The couple are only married a month. Good God, the girl has had hardly the time to pick out the curtains for the front room and already she is finding married life tedious.
But fear not, for as ever I have a solution to the problem. If indeed they have a problem at all. I know one sure-fire way of stimulating the hell out of any relationship. One way of relighting that fire, of righting the sinking ship of marriage, that could be floundering on the rock of boredom.
The solution can be found on a farm.
With the purchase of a few acres, boredom is erased forever. On a farm, no one ever has the time to be bored. My missus asked me only the other day, "How come our life is so exciting?" I told her that I didn't know, but guessed it had something to do with us being farmers.
"Now keep pushing the tractor like a good woman," says I, "or we will never get it started."
On a farm you see, every new day brings a new adventure. And to make a farm all the more adventurous, I would highly recommend the purchase of sheep. I purchased a flock of ewes a number of years ago and it certainly took all the boredom from my life.
It was a spontaneous thing. An impulse purchase. I figured sheep would be exciting. They sure were. The sheep made an immediate impact. It was all-hands-on-deck from the moment they arrived.
You see, not only will boredom be gone forever, but the sheep will be gone too given half a chance. Only the greatest of fences with the strongest of wire, strained to within an inch of its life can hold them back.
For only the great Houdini himself had more escape tricks up his sleeve. Sheep only need to sniff out an escape route and they are gone. The woolly creatures are loyal to nobody, only the next field of grass.
And it doesn't matter if you are Brooklyn Beckham or Pope Francis. Sheep will go where they want and all the prayers in the world won't stop them.
Sheep will always have you guessing. Guessing and running. Guessing what comes next, and running then to prevent something from happening that has already happened.
I'm telling you with sheep, a man is always on his toes. Boredom? Don't make me laugh! And better again, sheep will give you something animated to talk about before going to bed in the night. You will never be stuck for conversation.
In the finish, I gave up on sheep, for I felt they gave up on me. But I would highly recommend sheep to any couple going through a rocky patch. With sheep troubles you will soon forget about all your other troubles.
0ne recent comment on the Beckham marriage suggested that Brooklyn will have to "work hard to keep his new wife happy." Well, if it's hard work that is needed there is no better place to roll up your sleeves than on a sheep farm.
A fortune won't be made but a marriage could be saved.
