Looking for cybersecurity help? I'm your man

Denis favours a ‘nuclear option’ to solve the cybersecurity threat.

Driven to distraction with the height of hard work, I tripped over a bucket of milk the other morning.

And as I sat there in the yard rubbing my wounds and pondering life in general, I questioned was there any better way a man like me could eke out a living?

Farming has its pleasantries, but it can be a hard old slog for man and bucket.

Anyhow, never one to cry over spilt milk, I was soon onto a winner.

I read in the newspaper later in the day details of a terrific job that would suit a man like me heading into his twilight years.

“And what is the mighty job?” you might ask.

“Is it that of a gardener working in the grounds of the Playboy Mansion? Is it the job of beer taster in a well known Irish brewery?”

No, none of the above.

The job is that of Ireland’s cybersecurity chief.

It seems, according to the newspaper, such a position has become available, on account of computers owned by the State being riddled with viruses and ailments of every description. Something bad has happened, and something needs to be done about it.

Anyhow, I will start by announcing I know very little about computers, but why should that stop me seeking the job?

I doubt if Minister for Transport etc Eamon Ryan has a pilot’s licence, yet he is in control of when international air travel will return.

Taoiseach Micheál Martin is not a fierce man for porter, yet he is making the call on when we can return to the bar.

So, clearly having a knowledge of something is only a distraction.

As I mentioned earlier, the government has put out a call to find a man or woman who can fix all their computer problems.

Information, it seems, is being stolen left, right and centre by bandits demanding a king’s ransom for its return.

Yerra, ’tis all technical stuff and I don’t want to bore you with the details.

All you need to know is that the pay packet for the job is magnificent.

In truth, it was the money that stirred my interest first.

Nowhere outside RTÉ is such money being offered.

The exact amount escapes me, for there are far too many zeros to remember.

There will be “no penny pinching” someone said recently, when talking about hiring a cybersecurity expert.

And that was music to my ears. For I’m terribly short of cash.

The little I have at the moment is tied up in half a dozen bullocks, stragglers who won’t be sold until the fall of the year.

I’m holding onto my cattle for the disadvantaged payment, which, while not as grand as the salary of a cybersecurity chief, will still put two weeks of food on the table.

But back to the job in hand, the threat to computers.

The solution to the problem is an easy one, if you ask me.

Simply toss every computer owned by the state into a skip.

Computers are overrated.

For generations, people managed perfectly fine without them.

Go back to the pen and paper, and there will be no more trouble.

I write my articles for this paper with a pen and paper, for I wouldn’t trust a computer as far as I could throw one.

Only when I am satisfied with my masterpiece will I type it into a computer.

A computer that has served me well for over a decade. And the reason it serves me so well is because I rarely use it.

My plan for solving the nation’s computer crisis is simple.

Get rid of the computer and you will get rid of the problem.