Denis Lehane: My driving skills proved by a test
I’m telling you, the Ritz of London wouldn’t serve up finer fare. A most welcome treat and most unexpected too, considering where I was, and what I was doing.
I was in Macroom getting my old Hilux road tested, and I was dining in style while my Hilux was going through its paces in another part of the building.
As I was polishing off my plate with gusto, I got a gentle tap on my shoulder to tell me that the test was complete, and my jeep was ready for road, bar one of two minor issues that needed to be ironed out.
“Very good,” I jovially replied, wiping my gob with a serviette, “lead the way”.
For, with my belly full, I felt like the Duke of Wellington himself, I was ready for every eventuality.
Now before I tell you how my jeep fared in the test, you need to understand that I’m very fond of this particular machine. It has a special place in my heart.
Indeed, it’s an indispensable part of my farming life, ’tis rarely I’m seen without it. It’s in my jeep that I traverse the highways and byways of rural Ireland on a daily basis, doing unimaginable good, helping those in need and generally keeping the whole show going.
If I were the Lone Ranger, my jeep would surely be my Silver. Hi-ho, Silver! Away!
“Enough said,” says you, “we get the picture.”
Anyway, my jeep failed the road test. In fact, it failed with style. This came as no surprise to be honest, for I didn’t expect it to pass in the first place. Unlike Hillary Clinton and the drop she got last week, I fully anticipated failure. Thoughts of success had never been entertained.
So what parts of my jeep failed? If truth be told, more parts failed than passed.
Bar the wipers and the steering wheel, everything else seemed to get the thumbs down.
Starting with the head lights, they lacked focus.
My brake pedal lacked rubber, the brake lights weren’t performing like they should either, and there was some reflector thing also absent from the rear.
I had no rear parking lights, body bolts that are normally used to keep a vehicle attached to its moorings were as loose as hell, and in many areas too numerous to mention, bearings were in dire need of replacing.
Also, the universal joint was far from spectacular and, to round it off, I had the vehicle resting on four tyres that had a fierce look of Kojak about them.
My jeep failed. It failed with distinction.
While many a fellow might feel very despondent when reflecting on such a damning report, I felt nothing of the kind.
Sure, how could I feel unhappy about anything, and my belly full after a mighty breakfast?
It wasn’t shame I felt at all, only pride. Pride that I had managed to drive such a machine without any difficulty, when clearly it was in need of adjustment.
Under less capable hands my Hilux would surely have come asunder on a bumpy boreen, but because ’twas manoeuvred by my steady hand, nothing untoward happened.
I’m telling you, far from highlighting the inadequacies of my jeep, the road test merely showcased my undoubted driving skills.
